How to Construct a Kids' Menu and Other Things I Think I'm Good At
Plus a recipe, a drink, some music, a book, pets and more! It's Friday, pals.
Hey. You there. Yeah, you.
Do you own and/or operate a restaurant? Great. I want to have a chat with you.
It’s about your kids’ menu. It’s got some problems.
Don’t get me wrong—I appreciate the effort. I’m not someone who believes that every restaurant should have a kids’ menu; some restaurants simply are for adults only, and others are places where, if you want kids to eat there, they’re just gonna have to play ball. (This is how I found out my son likes escargot.) As a restaurateur, you’ve spent a lot of time and effort crafting your main menu, and the fact that you bothered to throw parents a bone at all is to be commended.
I’d just like to help you fine-tune it.
A kids’ menu isn’t a culinary experience, you see. It’s a tool.
It’s a tool that allows parents to enjoy a nice meal out with minimal conflict, reasonable expense, and hopefully minimal waste. You need to approach it with this at the front of your mind, or you’re bound go astray.
Here is what you need to deliver on your kids’ menu:
1.) Macaroni and Cheese
This feels like a gimme. Most kids love mac and cheese. It’s predictable, it’s reliable, it’s quintessential comfort food.
You couldn’t help yourself, though.
You had to go and make a good mac and cheese, and that’s not what these kids are here for. Browned cheese on the top? *I* love it, but I’m gonna be the one eating it after I pick it off. And what’s this, chives? Are you trying to get me yelled at?
DADDY WHAT ARE THESE GREEN THINGS
You know what you *can* do? You can just keep a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese back there. You can cook it up in 7-1/2 minutes, and you can serve it to a kid and you can charge me $9 for it. No one will be upset, I promise you.
Any time a restaurant has served my kid Kraft mac, I have turned into the Shaq meme:
Don’t overthink this.
2.) Chicken Fingers
Again, DO NOT APPROACH THIS THE WAY YOU THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD.
I love a well-seasoned chicken finger. Heck, I’ve developed my own (excellent, if I may say) recipe, and it ups Colonel Sanders by using twelve herbs and spices.
You should not serve something like this to a child. You must resist the urge to season at all costs. You must channel your inner Raisin’ Canes and not put anything other than salt on there.
3.) Chocolate Chip Pancakes
“But it’s dinnertime!”
So? There’s no law saying you can’t serve chocolate chip pancakes at dinnertime. The ingredients are cheap, the preparation is easy, and you can up your regular menu prices by a couple bucks across the boardif you do, because now those kids are going to ask their parents to come back.
4.) Just a plate of grapes, cheese and salami
You don’t even need to cook this. You can just have it in the fridge. This is what my kids eat for dinner most nights, to be honest. Call it a charcuterie board if you must, but don’t go putting anything better than Lunchable quality stuff in there.
Finally,
5.) NOT Pizza
Your heart was in the right place with this one. Kids love pizza. Adults love pizza. Why not put a cheese pizza on the kids’ menu?
Because you’ve just waded into an absolute minefield.
No matter how simple or how good you make it, it will not be the right pizza, and the child will be disappointed. They will not eat it, and as such, the adult will be disappointed, having paid $12 for a pizza that no one ate. It’s a disaster.
I know it sounds right. I know it feels right. But you can’t fall for it.
Friends, it’s Friday again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.
You know the drill by now—I’ve assembled a top-notch selection of things to make your weekend better, from food to drink to entertainment to pets.
Today, I’ve got a quick-and-easy side dish that’s cathartic to make, a poor man’s version of a fashionable cocktail, some great music, an intriguing new book, and much more.
Let’s dive in.
It’s Whacking Day
This past weekend, we were headed over to our friends’ house for a Labor Day weekend cookout. I had always had the intention of bringing something, but I hadn’t planned ahead—and after a trip to Cincinnati on Saturday for the Bearcats football opener, I hadn’t prepped ahead, either.
I needed something quick and easy that’d still be delicious.
Fortunately, I’d had something in my back pocket all summer.