The Presidential Race Heats Up
No, not that one.
WASHINGTON NATIONALS IN-GAME ENTERTAINMENT MANAGER #1: Hey, Joanie?
WASHINGTON NATIONALS IN-GAME ENTERTAINMENT MANAGER #2, WHO WE’LL JUST CALL JOANIE FROM HERE ON: Yes, Kirk?
OKAY THE FIRST GUY’S KIRK NOW: Hey, I was wondering if I could get your input on something I’m planning for the World Series.
JOANIE: Oh? What’s that?
KIRK: it’s the finals of the baseball postseason, we’re—
JOANIE: Goddamnit, Kirk. I mean what do you have planned
KIRK: Oh right. Okay, so you know how we’ve had the long-running and wildly popular in-game promotion where mascots representing four former US Presidents race around the field?
JOANIE: Yes, of course. The thing we stole from Milwaukee’s sausage race.
KIRK: Yes, exactly. So, I got to thinking, and I thought — the Presidents’ Race is great, but is it festive *enough* for the first World Series game in the District of Columbia in over 80 years?
JOANIE: I mean, it’s probably fine, but what did you have in mi—
GEORGE WASHINGTON: [appears in a blinding flash of light] AAAAAAAAAAH
JOANIE: Kirk did you open a hellmouth to resurrect the dead so you could have an actual president for the race
KIRK: Technically, no.
KIRK: Turns out there are already at least a dozen hellmouths open in DC at any given time. I just had to ask around.
WASHINGTON: MY HUMOURS ARE OFF, BRING ME BRANDY AND LEECHES, BOY
KIRK: Yes, of course, sir, but first I just want to say what an honor it is to be in your presence, a true honor, the founder of our country, the grandfather of modern democracy, the—
JOANIE: Kirk, we have to send him back. He’s been dead for 200 years, it’s not fair to ask him to race against the college students we have in the other costumes
KIRK: [laughs nervously]
JOANIE: Goddamnit, Kirk.
KIRK: Just stand back a second.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: [appears in ball of flame] AHHHHHH I HAVE SUCH A HEADACHE
JOANIE: Kirk are you just bringing them back from the moment they died
LINCOLN: THIS PLAY SUCKS ASS
KIRK: what’s the right answer here, J
LINCOLN: I wanted to go to a cockfight, but Mary’s always like [whiny voice] Aaaaabe, take me to the theater. I want to see a play, Aaaaaabe. [resuming normal voice, which according to historical accounts is still pretty nasal and annoying] It blows. The plays are so boring. This one’s just a bunch of talking and shit. I mean, *god*, somebody shoot me in the head.
JOANIE: [staring directly at camera]
LINCOLN: It’s eighteen freaking sixty five, we just fought a horrible war, and there’s still never been one play about a teenager who becomes a superhuman crime fighter after being bitten by a spider and sings and dances about it
KIRK: [laughing nervously] and there never will be
LINCOLN: I just want to see some cool special effects set to anodyne rock music! And maybe some of the actors get hurt!
[another bright flash, this time above their heads]
WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT: [falls out of sky, landing on George Washington] AAAAAAH
LINCOLN: SEE THAT WAS AWESOME
WASHINGTON [badly hurt]: BRANDY!
TAFT [unfazed, rising]: I SAY, DEAR BOY, IS THIS A BASEBALLING GREEN? You know, I pioneered the practice of presidents throwing out the first pitch at important games! [snaps fingers] Do be a lad and fetch me a ball, would you? I shall warm up my pitching cannon fortwith!
KIRK: Finally, one of them’s in the spirit of the occasion! Yes, President Taft, we’ll get you a ball right away!
JOANIE: Mr. Taft, I do have one small request, would you mind, um, covering yourself?
KIRK: Oh, yes, I’m so sorry, the portal must’ve worked under Terminator rules and sent him through nude.
TAFT: Nonsense, boy, I was like this when you sent for me!
KIRK: Oh, uh... were you bathing?
TAFT: I was addressing Congress, as I often did in the nude! Historians mutually agreed to never discuss it, but it did indeed happen!
JOANIE: oh, like America’s many genocides.
KIRK: Ah geez I hope this one’s clothed
ALEXANDER HAMILTON: [singing] Alexander Hamilton. My name is Alexan-
JOANIE: [grabbing a broom] NOPE. NOT A PRESIDENT.
HAMILTON: but people love my musical!
JOANIE: [shoving him back in the hellmouth] GO ON. GIT.
LINCOLN: [yelling into hellmouth] THEATER SUCKS, NERD
JOANIE: Alright, Kirk, you’ve really screwed the pooch on this one, I’ve gotta be honest with you. I get it, you wanted to do something really special and over-the-top to celebrate the Nats’ shocking run to their first World Series appearance, and as we’re all tempted to do from time to time, you dabbled with the occult and broke the fragile barrier behind the world of the living and the dead.
KIRK: I should’ve just got one of those hot-dog cannons that has like six barrels.
JOANIE: Yes, you should’ve, but we’re here now, and we have to fix the situation we’re in. Right now we’ve got a nude William Howard Taft, a belligerent Abraham Lincoln, and I think George Washington’s dead again.
WASHINGTON: [weakly] please, leeches soaked in brandy, nurse!
KIRK: You’re right, this is bad.
JOANIE: Yeah, we need four presidents for the race.
[another flash of light, but this time steps out a creature of pure white flame]
FLAME MONSTER: [hellish scream]
KIRK: What do you think that is?
JOANIE: [sighing as she quickly recognizes the nature of the situation] [to flame monster] are you a president from the future?
FLAME MONSTER: [nods, still screaming]
JOANIE: You messed with space-time too, huh?
KIRK: [sheepishly] I thought it’d be fun.
JOANIE: Alright, well, we’ve made it this far, let’s get these guys some jerseys. Washington’s #1, Lincoln’s #16, I think Taft is #27... hey, buddy? What number President are you?
FLAME MONSTER: [thinks] [holds up four flaming fingers, then six]
JOANIE: Yeah, that adds up.
KIRK: I’m sorry I opened a hellmouth, Joanie.
JOANIE: It’s fine. It’s probably not even the worst thing someone’s done in this city today.
TAFT: [lighting a cigar on President Flame Monster] I like the cut of this one’s jib. [turning to Kirk] now, my boy, what’s this talk of *hot dog* cannons?