A Coffee Drinker's Zodiac

What your caffeine choices say about you

We’re in the final stretch of another busy holiday season, and there’s probably a lot on your plate right now—last-minute shopping, preparations for travel or hosting travelers of your own, tying up those last loose ends at work.

Chances are, you’re not making time for a lot of things that you normally would.

I bet you’re making time to stay caffeinated though.

Yes, for people all over the world, often the one non-negotiable constant in their daily routine is a piping-hot cup of coffee; it gets you started in the morning, sets the course for your day, and gives you the oomph you need to handle all your many obligations.

Of course, there’s a million different ways to get that java jolt in the morning.

Did you know that your coffee-drinking habits can actually reveal a great deal about your personality? It’s true! Here at The Action Cookbook Newsletter, we’ve been researching consumer behavior for years. Through extensive personality testing, in-depth psychological profiling, and some mild identity theft, we’ve been able to break morning caffeine consumption habits into twelve major groups, each with their own unique characteristics.

Call it a Coffee Drinker’s Zodiac, if you will: your sign reveals a great deal about who you are.

Let’s dive in.

STARBUCKS

Are you a Starbucks drinker? Well, you’re certainly not alone.

The largest retail coffee purveyor of the world, Starbucks started as a single Seattle storefront some 50 years ago, and now boasts over 30,000 locations worldwide. They’re on seemingly every corner, in every town, in every airport or big-box store.

So, what does this say about you? Well, our data shows the following:

You do not overthink things; this is your greatest strength. You are able to give straightforward answers to straightforward questions without forcing the discussion down uncomfortable or unproductive side-streets.

You value simple, uncomplicated pleasures, like sitcoms with laugh-tracks and CBS police procedurals. You do not watch things that stress you out.

The size of your family and your most recent vacation destinations are all clearly explained on the rear window of your mid-size sport utility vehicle.

DUNKIN’ DONUTS

You view yourself as valuing simple, uncomplicated pleasures, but you actually have very sharp opinions on most matters, even ones that do not personally concern you.

Your idea of prestige television is The Walking Dead, which is represented by the “Zombie Evacuation Team” decals on your rear windshield.

You drink iced coffee when it is -5 degrees outside; you are often wearing shorts and a hoodie when you do so.

You have appeared in the background of a Ben Affleck movie, though you may not be personally aware of this fact. You had noticed that there were a lot of cops around that day, but it wasn’t any of your business.

A MODERATELY-SIZED LOCAL CHAIN

You listen to NPR each morning, but are known to switch away if they’re talking about something that’s too much of a bummer.

You are socially aware to the degree that you have heard of various ongoing consumer boycotts, which you respect, but you are not committed or organized enough to keep track of them when you are shopping.

You have a “Keep [name of your city] Weird” bumper sticker on your Subaru Outback.

You frequently conduct business meetings at one of the coffee chain’s 14 locations, and are proud of doing so.

ONE-OFF INDIE SHOP

You think that people who get their coffee from the local chain are no different than Starbucks drinkers; you view both as sellouts for reasons that you cannot or are not willing to articulate. You have posted every cup of coffee you have bought from this shop to your Instagram story.

You will wait ten minutes extra for a pour-over; you insist that there is a difference but deep down you cannot tell, and that haunts you

You are in a band, and are dying for the baristas ask about it.

MCDONALD’S

You are 85 years old, or you work in law enforcement. (Possibly both.)

Your coffee will either be consumed inside of the McDonald’s itself, or in a car parked outside of the McDonald’s.

You know exactly how many days you have left until retirement.

GAS STATION

You are from Pennsylvania, or you are late to something. (Definitely both.)

You have very specific opinions on which gas station has the best coffee.

You are on probation, but it was bullshit.

BREWED AT HOME (SIMPLE)

You don’t flaunt it, but you have your act together. The mere fact that you wake up early enough in the morning to brew a pot of coffee before leaving the house in the morning is a testament to this.

You drink coffee from a ceramic mug with no lid while driving, and you have never once spilled a drop, even that time you were rear-ended by that guy pulling out of the gas station. You took his insurance information, and lent him a Tide pen to get the coffee stains out of his shirt.

You have mapped out an elaborate scheme to fake your own death and live off the insurance money in the tropics, but you probably won’t go through with it.

It would work, though, and you know it.

BREWED AT HOME (ELABORATE)

By all rights, you should have your act together, but you have chosen instead to channel your immense reserves of creative and organizational energy into brewing coffee.

You have purchased that coffee that’s been partially digested and excreted by a civet, and you are currently brewing it through a contraption that looks like a children’s cartoon animator’s vision of a chemistry lab.

You are thinking about starting a podcast, and it might be about coffee.

WHATEVER IS SERVED AT YOUR OFFICE

You are one of your company’s most valuable employees; no one has ever seen you arrive or depart the office; you’re just already there.

None of your coworkers knows anything about your personal life.

You think you might have hit something on the way to work today. It was probably just a mailbox? You hadn’t had your coffee yet.

You will argue that the coffee that’s been sitting on the burner for four hours isn’t just “still good”, but that you actually prefer it that way. There’s a subtle burnt-popcorn note that you just can’t get any other way.

You are concerned that the dent on your hood doesn’t look like it’s mailbox-shaped, but no one sees you considering it in the empty parking lot. You take a sip of coffee.

RED BULL

You have three songs stuck in your head right now, concurrently.

You have written 5/8ths of a novel that you will never finish.

You have never tried cocaine, but quietly think it sounds interesting.

You are fully convinced that if you were just able to quit your job and focus your energy full-time on training for like, three years, you could make it to the Winter Olympics in one of those lesser sports

There are sixty-two Post-It notes on your desk right now.

MONSTER

You know how to fight, but not necessarily when to.

You had a tongue piercing in 2001, and only removed it in 2012 after being forced to, either by a workplace dress code or an incident that required a trip to the emergency room.

There is a statistically significant chance that either you will die today or that someone else will die at your hands.

You are forklift certified, even if that’s not your job.

TEA

C’mon. You’re just trying to be difficult.

—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)

UPDATE, post-publishing:

Multiple readers have noted a glaring omission from this list, one I will attempt to rectify now:

DIET COKE

You were once told by a physician to stop drinking coffee, and you are the kind of person who scrupulously adheres to the letter if not the spirit of the law with that sort of thing.

You are exactly three chess moves away from being a billionaire, but also three chess moves away from personal ruin.

If they ever reformulate Diet Coke, it will bring you two chess moves closer to ruin.

You are on Twitter a lot, and you hate it.