Hey, tea is an easy to brew, no fuss, pick-your-caffeine preference journey that shouldn't be pushed lightly aside. I just brewed myself a cup of this gorgeous lavender vanilla crème Earl Grey tea with a heavy oatmilk pour... *gets yoinked off stage*
First off, it’s Dunks. Second it’s an lahge iced regulah, khed. And D) what the hell else am I supposed to drink when I’m scrapin’ the ice off the street for my space savah out heyah in Dorchestah?
Dec 20, 2021·edited Dec 20, 2021Liked by Scott Hines
You know this is a good horoscope because I feel seen in various ways by like half of the categories.
I generally don't drink gas station coffee, but as a Pennsylvanian who is perpetually late I will still always stan Sheetz.
As I've previously mentioned in the comments here, Obnoxiously Pitt BF and I have eight different methods with which to make coffee and none of them plug into the wall. I'd like to think that at least I am not Home (Elaborate) because 99% of the time I drink the cold brew I make by the gallon, but I know for a fact we are collectively that.
I recently tracked my spending to see how much went to Dunkin' since I have fully returned to my office. Needless to say I was descaling my home coffee machine that night.
Scott have you been snooping in the folder labeled "Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightening" in my iCloud?
"You have mapped out an elaborate scheme to fake your own death and live off the insurance money in the tropics, but you probably won’t go through with it.
Clearly, the next step in this analysis is the love match zodiac analysis, right? Like, a deep examination of how well Local Chain and Diet Coke would function as a couple.
I am local chain, but my beloved is Coke Zero - he is adamantly opposed to the idea of Diet Coke and has expansive thoughts on it, including drinking water if the only offering is DC. I wonder what that says about us.
Meanwhile, time to walk next door for my afternoon pick me up at the local chain where I've struck up surface-level acquaintanceships with the 20 year old girls behind the counter. (Who are all precious and amazing and I will shank anyone who's rude to them.)
When I have my life together I'm drinking loose leaf tea brewed in a ceramic pot I've had for many years. When I don't, it's red bull. I can count on one hand the number of tea days since my daughter was born
What about k-cups? I feel like k-cups are for the harassed parents of screaming newborn children. Somehow the time it takes a keurig to spit out a cup of coffee is exactly the amount of time needed to mix the baby’s formula. And coffee only needed up in the bottle once-ish…
Sir, I would never live off my fraudulent insurance proceeds in the tropics, and I demand you retract the allegation.
That's the first place they'd look.
Signed, M. LeBlanx of the Yukon.
Hey, tea is an easy to brew, no fuss, pick-your-caffeine preference journey that shouldn't be pushed lightly aside. I just brewed myself a cup of this gorgeous lavender vanilla crème Earl Grey tea with a heavy oatmilk pour... *gets yoinked off stage*
Olaf is absolutely downing a 10 pack of redbull on his drive to the chaos store, where he is district manager.
First off, it’s Dunks. Second it’s an lahge iced regulah, khed. And D) what the hell else am I supposed to drink when I’m scrapin’ the ice off the street for my space savah out heyah in Dorchestah?
The boycott and Subaru (A Forester, but still) mentions in the Moderately-Sized Local Chain section feels weirdly targeted.
You know this is a good horoscope because I feel seen in various ways by like half of the categories.
I generally don't drink gas station coffee, but as a Pennsylvanian who is perpetually late I will still always stan Sheetz.
As I've previously mentioned in the comments here, Obnoxiously Pitt BF and I have eight different methods with which to make coffee and none of them plug into the wall. I'd like to think that at least I am not Home (Elaborate) because 99% of the time I drink the cold brew I make by the gallon, but I know for a fact we are collectively that.
I recently tracked my spending to see how much went to Dunkin' since I have fully returned to my office. Needless to say I was descaling my home coffee machine that night.
Scott have you been snooping in the folder labeled "Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightening" in my iCloud?
"You have mapped out an elaborate scheme to fake your own death and live off the insurance money in the tropics, but you probably won’t go through with it.
It would work, though, and you know it."
But what if I get my tea from a gas station?
Clearly, the next step in this analysis is the love match zodiac analysis, right? Like, a deep examination of how well Local Chain and Diet Coke would function as a couple.
I am local chain, but my beloved is Coke Zero - he is adamantly opposed to the idea of Diet Coke and has expansive thoughts on it, including drinking water if the only offering is DC. I wonder what that says about us.
Meanwhile, time to walk next door for my afternoon pick me up at the local chain where I've struck up surface-level acquaintanceships with the 20 year old girls behind the counter. (Who are all precious and amazing and I will shank anyone who's rude to them.)
(silently judging everyone while sipping a morning pre-workout from one of the twelve plastic shaker bottles I own)
When I have my life together I'm drinking loose leaf tea brewed in a ceramic pot I've had for many years. When I don't, it's red bull. I can count on one hand the number of tea days since my daughter was born
As someone originally from PA, [6,000 word essay on various gas station coffees, including which one is The Good Sheetz, deleted by moderator]
Also, that Red Bull felt so targeted that I need to lie down.
I’m going to finish that book someday, goddamnit.
What about k-cups? I feel like k-cups are for the harassed parents of screaming newborn children. Somehow the time it takes a keurig to spit out a cup of coffee is exactly the amount of time needed to mix the baby’s formula. And coffee only needed up in the bottle once-ish…
ACB, is the Red Bull section a zodiac, or a confession?
[Also, where's the "Ice Water - all of the above may be psychopaths, but you're a sociopath" section?]
Fucking brilliant. I know at least one of every variant. I like to get my coffee in before I leave the house.