A modest proposal for infrastructure spending.
Build back Bolder, you say? No.
Build Back Boulder.
With 1 billion dollars I will construct the world's largest replica of a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Detroit already has a big fist sculpture in town. I want to build one 100x its size on the Detroit side of the river and an identical one on the Canada side. They will be hooked up to gears, and on major holidays, celebrations, etc, they will swing over the river and fist bump.
Here at Lanley Industries, we celebrate your vision.
Detroit took to this idea so well it built two monorails, that don't touch each other.
Me? I'd build a statue of Iggy Pop shirtless and bleeding in Ypsilanti, to match the water tower.
MORE. REVOLVING. ROOFTOP. RESTAURANTS.
I think it's pretty clear Memphis needs a second pyramid.
Fort Worth, Texas is planning a boondoggle called panther island. They're trying to use flood prevention money to make a touristy island downtown in the middle of the Trinity River called Panther Island.
Why Panther Island you ask? Well it turns out that Fort Worth has two nicknames. One, Cowtown, makes sense while the other, Panther City, does not. The Panther City nickname comes from a really stupid story so I think we need a better one. Let's build a giant-ass Panther statue on Panther Island. When people ask why is Fort Worth nicknamed Panther City, we can just point to the gaudy statue instead of telling a dumb story.
I was ready to chalk up this as a simple gimmick article until you suggested the Colossus of Rhodes astride the Ohio and suddenly I've never wanted something more in my entire life
Jacksonville would like to build an aircraft carrier large enough to play football on the deck (safely, I guess, since money is no longer an issue). The added benefit is that being seaworthy allows the team to play one of their 'home' games in London, the Bahamas, Rio, wherever the heck Shad Khan wants to drop anchor. Either that or a pair of jorts large enough to cover TIAA Bank field. On a nice day we can simply unzip and "retract" the dome.
Truth be told, I'd probably buy up a bunch of the abandoned or dying amusement parks or race tracks around the country.
Scott, in a carnival barker hat: Well, I've sold architectural boondoggles to Lebanon, OH, Nashville and Alliance, Nebraska and by gum, I've put them on the map!
Why do I feel like this newsletter came from someone asking you what you wish you could build and telling you no one would ever pay for it?
I love the Colossus Over the Ohio idea, though the financial burden would probably fall on Kentucky since they could claim everything except the right foor
You could pay for a replacement for the Brent Spence Bridge (the crumbling double-decker bridge that carries both I-71 and I-75 across the Ohio River from Cincinnati to Covington) with just the admission fees and a 10% cut of the Skyline Chili sales.
A lot of San Francisco's favorite institutions were originally built for various World's Fairs: the de Young museum, the Palace of Fine Arts, a bandshell and parts of Golden Gate Park. But our statues are somewhat lackluster. That is, until we use these funds to erect a replica of Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, astride the Bay Bridge that he was first to proclaim ought to be built. He will be tall enough to topple the Salesforce Tower, as is right and just.
This was of course very funny but it made me think we need an actual transformer statue staring at the climbing wall at the national whitewater center outside Charlotte. https://whitewater.org/activity/deep-water-solo/
100 foot, 1980s style red and blue Optimus Prime just staring at you — not necessarily threateningly but with what you know is going to be crushing disappointment if you fall.
A MASSIVE Calvin and Hobbes statue in a field outside of Chagrin Falls, OH (home of Bill Watterson.) We're talking over 1000 ft tall (it'd be the tallest structure in the state)
I think a series of monuments to regional foods that can be visited by people from out of town, who can pay to shoot said monuments with (water soluble animal friendly) paintballs to show their absolute disdain for the local foods. Imagine, for example, the caravans of people between the Carolinas and Texas to vote by shot over the merits of pork barbecue versus whatever shoeleather it is that they sell in Texas.
We need more tourist attractions like Worlds Largest Hair Ball or State's Largest Collection of Matchbooks. Just sprinkle those billions around and flood the interstates & backroads with oddities.