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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

My toddler daughter makes a very exaggerated sigh sound every time she sits down on the floor and I take it extremely personally

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Caught my daughter with her hands on her hips while waiting for mom. was a proud dad moment for me.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

Let us not forget “WHAAARRRUUTHEFUCKISHAPPENING?!?!” when the smoke detector decided to sing the song of its people at 2 in the morning on a school night

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this proves that dads are just Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, only without the coke arrest and snitching

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

Think that should be mom looks in no particular order

Glare

Exasperated

Comforting

I told you

Really

Don’t even think about it

What part of No do you not understand

Who brought this dog into my life (good or bad look depending on what the dog just did)

I’m not eating that

Okay I’ll try to eat that

All of you please go outside

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Just like goddammit above, glare should have subparts:

Quick Glare - the shut up, immediately stop doing whatever you are doing

Medium Glare - the eye contact that lasts more than 10 seconds that results from either being told not to do something and continuing, saying something that was suppose to be "family only", a brief I told you so

Long Glare - eye contact lasting more than 10 seconds - death and disownment incoming, might as well start to walk home and gather your belongings

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

You'll get a dozen kid-swearing stories, but here's mine: two soccer teams, little kids, waiting around on the field while the ref checks every single child's ID to ensure that they are all in fact 7-year-olds, not 8-year-olds. Time passes. Finally the ref signals to start. The kids stream down the field to take their positions, with my son shouting loudly back over his shoulder, "ABOUT FRIGGING TIME". I shrank inside, then peered carefully sideways at the other parents. Not a scowl to be seen. Au contraire, they they were all nodding vigorously.

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ahahahaha perfect

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also I really do have to thank "Bluey" for the fact that my kids' go-to exclamation of frustration is now "biscuits!", which helped replace the brief period where they had emulated my unfortunate linguistic slip-ups

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Brilliant

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

A brief story, scene back of the car on the way to their great grandmother's:

My son (8): "[sister] what the heck are you doing, pointing is rude?"

Daughter (5): "I'm pointing at you with my middle finger cause I hate you."

Son: "please stop"

Daughter: "now I'm pointing at you with both my middle fingers cause I REALLY hate you."

Me (desperately trying not to laugh): "[daughter] don't say you hate your brother"

Daughter: "now i'm pointing my middle finger at you."

Later that day around the fire pit:

Son "this fire is making my balls warm."

I blame my wife, to end a Tantrum about cookies she play "America, Fuck Yeah!" in the car.

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it's almost like our kids are the same, except [son] is either retaliating with some other gesture or loudly saying "quit pointing your middle finger at me" so his sister ends up in trouble. (spoiler, they both end up in trouble.)

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Oh boy, my kid had a hockey tournament this weekend and puck drop was for 7:20 am. Time comes and there are no refs to be seen. 7:30 rolls around and one red shows up, zebra shirt over his hoodie and a large Dunkin cup in hand. He steps on the ice and starts barking at the opposite teams bench saying they have too many coaches on the bench and kicks 2 of them off the bench. Later that day he kicked away a puck as two kids were going for it and one of outlets coaches yelled out “What are you doing?!?” And he gets tossed.

The way the stands are situated, there is one section that is above the glass and if you poke your head over the rail you can look down directly onto the ice. The ref (who clearly graduated from the Joe West School of Officiating) skated below me and I yell out “ITS NOT ABOUT YOU” he looks up and can’t pick out who said it and the entire group of people around me says nothing. USA hockey received many complaints about that guy later that afternoon.

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WTF?? Oh, excuse me. . .

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

BRB, checking my home for Action Cookbook-monitored listening devices.

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It’s in the fine print when you subscribe.

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know that I know this, I will be sure to warn before I fart so you can mute the speakers for a second or two while you are surveilling.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

"5.) Whistling or humming a sound that has been stuck in your head for 30 years"

I'm not a dad but this is the Hogan's Heroes theme song for me.

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I inherited this in part from my grandfather who raised racing pigeons and used the same melody every time he fed his birds (that way they would roost faster when in the vicinity of the coop) and my uncle, who always ALWAYS whistled in this under-the-breath type of whistle.

Neither are any particular song, but just something to make the task at hand go a little more enjoyably. A guy at church noticed that whenever I am doing setup or teardown, he knows it by the whistle.

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Also I was more or less excommunicated in my old research job because I'd just start humming while setting up experiments and it scared people.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

"HNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHOOOOOOO" sneeze first thing in the morning that wakes up everyone in the whole house and a few neighbors

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only one? lucky bastard.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

Seen, I feel.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

Because of my superior intelligence the F word is pretty prominent for me. I live alone, with a cat and sometimes a dog, so they've heard every iteration. The very loud, capitalized but brief version most commonly, covers nearly every household and personal issue. Then there's the long, draw-out one for, example, when I drop and break a dish in the sink and all the other dishes fall on top of it and I know I will be bleeding at some point later. And of course, the very long, drawn-out FOCK which mixes sarcasm and reality, usually reserved for when I've overdrawn my checking account by like three items I forgot I bought online when I was drinking.

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Feb 28, 2022·edited Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

very sad that vocalized belches weren't included. My dad was famous for his "Yaaaart". If he's anything like me, it's a sign that dinnertime is soon, but not soon enough.

I can proudly say that I've replaced 8b with the knowing, dejected sigh that says "I *just* told you to pay attention when grabbing for your cup, did you really care enough about that commercial for eczema cream that you had to focus your eyes on that instead?"

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

May I suggest "What....Now?"

Exaggerated pause when a child is still up 90 minutes after bed time on a school night

Version with barely suppressed rag- literally being asked to do anything with a battery and a toy

Yelling: when you just wanted to go to the bathroom for five minutes of peace (and to read the latest ACBN) only to hear a crash followed by a combination of yelling and crying.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Scott Hines

Scott, you forgot the king of Dad Sounds; the sneeze that is forceful enough to move the chair you're sitting in backwards six inches and wake up the neighbor's cat.

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As a dad and as a teacher, there is frequent crossover in this:

I will now add a couple of additional non-verbal notions:

1). The pinch of the bridge of the nose, especially under the glasses as needed, when there is jackassery afoot.

2). The blink, eye roll, head tilt of disgust. (think the RDJ Iron Man gif)

Also, honorable mentions to "SERIOUSLY?!?!?!", and a low guttural noise from the back of the throat that expresses both disgust and frustration.

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The joints cracking is always unnerving and shockingly loud. My ankles sound like cement mixers.

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Gotta include an asterisk for the burp where you finish like a flat tire imo.

BURRRAGHHHH-pssssssssssssssss

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