For lack of a better metaphor, growing up golf was my family's riding a bike. I can actually ride a bike just so we're clear; at least I think I still can. When I was younger I could not understand how hitting a golf ball looked so simple and was done so easily by my father was so damned difficult for me to do. It was frustrating and my father's advice of just keeping my head down would wear thing after the tenth time he told me and I let him know it.
I hated the sport for the longest time but started to pick it up more in my later teens when my coordination wasn't all over the place. I started to realize golf was his vehicle to spend time with us and share those lessons that need to be taught. It became almost a given that we would play on the weekends in the spring and summer as he got older until he passed. Golf in now firmly imprinted in my DNA and that's where I visit him. Time does feel like it's moving faster and faster every day, but on the rare occasions where I pipe a drive down the middle of the fairway, it slows down a little bit.
Take a look at that photo. There's that moment before letting go where you're clearly providing support and encouragement, but it's gentle and your kid is in the lead. Try to find more of those moments as they get older; it makes dropping them off at freshman orientation a lot less of a shock. Mine are now 25 and 23, and I tell people that my parenting role has moved from management to consulting. They do still want my advice on major life decisions which I offer, gently, before letting those last couple of finger tips go from their backs.
Scott, your parenting articles are amazing. I didn't think it would be possible to feel like a time traveler stuck in a loop where you see the future, the past, and the now all in one article.
My daughter is a couple years from riding a bike but that hasn't stopped these moments from happening. Before COVID, we were able to walk (carry) her to her daycare classroom which was great because we knew the classroom and teachers and saw her with the other kids. As one of the COVID rules, we have to leave her at the front desk and a teacher will take her back. The first couple of times she wasn't really sure about walking back to her classroom, but now it's after temperature check, a quick wave goodbye and she walks back without any real assistance (there is a teacher behind her).
So Im sitting here in my office just thinking about those times and now reading about other's experiences with older kids and it's just hitting me that yes I need to cherish this time.
Now where's the advice to getting a 2 year old to sleep past 7am on the weekends?
I realized how little anyone could prepare you for parenting after changing the first diaper in the hospital. I had never changed a diaper before, and my child apparently joined the MCU and excreted a symbiote...and no one's warning about it prepared me for the shock. Or the number of wipes needed to clean that goo.
I destroyed my right wrist riding my bike just before senior year of undergrad. I remember the world slowing down as I watched my front tire become parallel with my handlebars and the discordant tones of Ghostface rapping over Dhani Harrison playing guitar as I hit the pavement in front of the physics building so hard that my blood would remain on the sidewalk for the rest of the semester.
Due to some questionable central Illinois medicine, I spent the next three months one-armed. I have a dominant arm that cannot even come close to fully pronating. But the vivid scar gave me the best answer possible to my vet school interview of "name a time you overcame adversity" that a middle-class white guy could have as I just pulled up my suit sleeve and started talking. I started riding again earnestly last summer for the first time since senior year (Kansas roads sucked for cycling and Las Vegas was an absolute no-go in that regard). I had missed it so much.
Nice parenting article, but heads up: it gets harder, not easier, as they get older. Sure they can brush their own teeth, but it's a tough world out there.
I never learned to ride as a kid (no resources for bikes in my house). I rode a bike a bit as an adult, but I was never comfortable. Now, I simply can't do it. This is one of my biggest regrets. I want to do what you described, miles of freedom, heading out on long adventures alone. At least once a week I say "I wish I could ride a bike". Sadly it really is too late.
Folks, listen to Scott, not just the metaphor: Teach your kids to ride a bike when they are young. Also to swim. Also to skate if you live in Canada or a northern state. The skills will be hard-wired in and they will be OK.
Beautiful. I don’t have kids of my own yet but reading this made me think back on my own experience learning to ride a bike and wondering how my parents must’ve felt.
It is the hardest part. And I've been doing it since my oldest was born 26 yrs ago. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it pains me. Literally. But striking the balance between loving and protecting them and raising them to make good choices and then trust their own judgment feels like the holy grail of parenting. Good parenting feels like the only job where when done well they actually leave to live the longest stretch of their lives independently. And where we must smile and not let them know they take a large part of our hearts with them.
Oh man. This one got to me. I don’t have kids yet, but I’m about to get married so it’ll come sooner or later. The combination of that and thinking about how my parents must have felt at times like these and dropping me off at my dorm for the first time like in the comments... I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING OKAY
I don't even have kids and this has me nearly sobbing while Cat's in the Cradle loops in my head. "Funny" story about that song for me - the day I signed my first apartment lease out of college, it came on the radio as my dad and I drove back to the airport to see him off back East. We didn't dare say a word or even look at each other for the rest of the drive.
Also, this post reminds me of Smarter Every Day's Backwards Bike video. It's not about parenting on the surface, but it also got a deep reaction from my dad and I for unspecified reasons. As a parent and an engineer I think you'd love it if you haven't seen it already. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzDaBzBlL0
Man, this one really hit me hard. My girls are 7 and about to turn 6. There are pictures of them as babies/toddlers that will reduce me to a pile of mush. I love who they have become just as much, if not more, but there is a tangible sense of loss over those wonderful little girls that essentially no longer exist. As much as it may hurt, I am thankful for those old pictures because they unlock so many treasured memories and experiences.
As for bikes, I have been holding off on getting them because I need to get back in good enough shape to jog along with them and because I don't want to keep having to buy different sized bikes every few years. I can run along with them on their scooters for short bursts so I am just treading water for now. The youngest is just now getting the hang of her scooter, so I have a little while. I look forward to the day when the whole family can ride bikes around the neighborhood.
By way of background: my wife grew up in Ann Arbor when you threw kids outside with their bikes for the day, so only extreme cold stopped her and her friends from riding. I learned to ride in the Netherlands where we had - I shit you not - to take a standardized national written and practical cycling test in 5th grade (to complement the mandatory national curriculum for swimming starting in 4th grade, no exceptions).
So we taught our daughters to ride bikes, but we live in a hilly neighborhood with no sidewalks and neighbors who drive SUVs (and increasingly Teslas) too fast without paying attention. The girls were wholly unwilling to ride around - frustrating my wife to no end, but I got it. Fortunately they both took to riding mountain bikes at camp, so I know they can at least operate a bike.
And that “at least they can operate it” stage is kind of where I am with them at 16 and 18. The older girl is largely locked in at college - recently she got food poisoning and had to go to the emergency room at 3 am to get rehydrated via IV. Once I calmed down, I was weirdly relieved - because it was an operational lesson as an adult, but not that hard won.
I wasn’t that great with small children because they’re unreasonable and can be hard to read. I kind of hit my stride when they were late elementary / middle school age, and hopefully they know that there are still a few bikes left that they need to learn to ride and I’ll help them as best I can before letting go.
(Sniffles quietly while putting the conference call on mute)
We may have been the most backward teachers when it came to riding a bike.
When my oldest got his first bike, his first lessons came on the carpeted hallway of our apartment. "You have brakes, you just have to try to pedal backward. Show me how you stop." A gentle push forward and and encouraging "Great job!" whenever he got the bike to stop without relying on the laws of inertia, gravity, and drag to do the work for him.
Next, "If you turn the wheel too sharp, the bike is going to tip over. If that happens, use your leg like a kickstand. Let's practice how to fall." With these two lessons already in muscle memory, the going forward bit was the easy part. Not only that, but two parents not panicking helped him stay focused on keeping himself upright and not on their reactions to his effort.
For lack of a better metaphor, growing up golf was my family's riding a bike. I can actually ride a bike just so we're clear; at least I think I still can. When I was younger I could not understand how hitting a golf ball looked so simple and was done so easily by my father was so damned difficult for me to do. It was frustrating and my father's advice of just keeping my head down would wear thing after the tenth time he told me and I let him know it.
I hated the sport for the longest time but started to pick it up more in my later teens when my coordination wasn't all over the place. I started to realize golf was his vehicle to spend time with us and share those lessons that need to be taught. It became almost a given that we would play on the weekends in the spring and summer as he got older until he passed. Golf in now firmly imprinted in my DNA and that's where I visit him. Time does feel like it's moving faster and faster every day, but on the rare occasions where I pipe a drive down the middle of the fairway, it slows down a little bit.
Take a look at that photo. There's that moment before letting go where you're clearly providing support and encouragement, but it's gentle and your kid is in the lead. Try to find more of those moments as they get older; it makes dropping them off at freshman orientation a lot less of a shock. Mine are now 25 and 23, and I tell people that my parenting role has moved from management to consulting. They do still want my advice on major life decisions which I offer, gently, before letting those last couple of finger tips go from their backs.
Scott, your parenting articles are amazing. I didn't think it would be possible to feel like a time traveler stuck in a loop where you see the future, the past, and the now all in one article.
My daughter is a couple years from riding a bike but that hasn't stopped these moments from happening. Before COVID, we were able to walk (carry) her to her daycare classroom which was great because we knew the classroom and teachers and saw her with the other kids. As one of the COVID rules, we have to leave her at the front desk and a teacher will take her back. The first couple of times she wasn't really sure about walking back to her classroom, but now it's after temperature check, a quick wave goodbye and she walks back without any real assistance (there is a teacher behind her).
So Im sitting here in my office just thinking about those times and now reading about other's experiences with older kids and it's just hitting me that yes I need to cherish this time.
Now where's the advice to getting a 2 year old to sleep past 7am on the weekends?
I realized how little anyone could prepare you for parenting after changing the first diaper in the hospital. I had never changed a diaper before, and my child apparently joined the MCU and excreted a symbiote...and no one's warning about it prepared me for the shock. Or the number of wipes needed to clean that goo.
I destroyed my right wrist riding my bike just before senior year of undergrad. I remember the world slowing down as I watched my front tire become parallel with my handlebars and the discordant tones of Ghostface rapping over Dhani Harrison playing guitar as I hit the pavement in front of the physics building so hard that my blood would remain on the sidewalk for the rest of the semester.
Due to some questionable central Illinois medicine, I spent the next three months one-armed. I have a dominant arm that cannot even come close to fully pronating. But the vivid scar gave me the best answer possible to my vet school interview of "name a time you overcame adversity" that a middle-class white guy could have as I just pulled up my suit sleeve and started talking. I started riding again earnestly last summer for the first time since senior year (Kansas roads sucked for cycling and Las Vegas was an absolute no-go in that regard). I had missed it so much.
Nice parenting article, but heads up: it gets harder, not easier, as they get older. Sure they can brush their own teeth, but it's a tough world out there.
I never learned to ride as a kid (no resources for bikes in my house). I rode a bike a bit as an adult, but I was never comfortable. Now, I simply can't do it. This is one of my biggest regrets. I want to do what you described, miles of freedom, heading out on long adventures alone. At least once a week I say "I wish I could ride a bike". Sadly it really is too late.
Folks, listen to Scott, not just the metaphor: Teach your kids to ride a bike when they are young. Also to swim. Also to skate if you live in Canada or a northern state. The skills will be hard-wired in and they will be OK.
Cool. Cool cool cool. Not like we brought our newborn, first one, home from the hospital yesterday or anything like that...
Beautiful. I don’t have kids of my own yet but reading this made me think back on my own experience learning to ride a bike and wondering how my parents must’ve felt.
Thanks, man. This was wonderful. Just what I needed at the end of a hard day.
It is the hardest part. And I've been doing it since my oldest was born 26 yrs ago. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it pains me. Literally. But striking the balance between loving and protecting them and raising them to make good choices and then trust their own judgment feels like the holy grail of parenting. Good parenting feels like the only job where when done well they actually leave to live the longest stretch of their lives independently. And where we must smile and not let them know they take a large part of our hearts with them.
Oh man. This one got to me. I don’t have kids yet, but I’m about to get married so it’ll come sooner or later. The combination of that and thinking about how my parents must have felt at times like these and dropping me off at my dorm for the first time like in the comments... I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING OKAY
I don't even have kids and this has me nearly sobbing while Cat's in the Cradle loops in my head. "Funny" story about that song for me - the day I signed my first apartment lease out of college, it came on the radio as my dad and I drove back to the airport to see him off back East. We didn't dare say a word or even look at each other for the rest of the drive.
Also, this post reminds me of Smarter Every Day's Backwards Bike video. It's not about parenting on the surface, but it also got a deep reaction from my dad and I for unspecified reasons. As a parent and an engineer I think you'd love it if you haven't seen it already. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzDaBzBlL0
Man, this one really hit me hard. My girls are 7 and about to turn 6. There are pictures of them as babies/toddlers that will reduce me to a pile of mush. I love who they have become just as much, if not more, but there is a tangible sense of loss over those wonderful little girls that essentially no longer exist. As much as it may hurt, I am thankful for those old pictures because they unlock so many treasured memories and experiences.
As for bikes, I have been holding off on getting them because I need to get back in good enough shape to jog along with them and because I don't want to keep having to buy different sized bikes every few years. I can run along with them on their scooters for short bursts so I am just treading water for now. The youngest is just now getting the hang of her scooter, so I have a little while. I look forward to the day when the whole family can ride bikes around the neighborhood.
It's posts like these that make me extremely anxious about having kids lol
By way of background: my wife grew up in Ann Arbor when you threw kids outside with their bikes for the day, so only extreme cold stopped her and her friends from riding. I learned to ride in the Netherlands where we had - I shit you not - to take a standardized national written and practical cycling test in 5th grade (to complement the mandatory national curriculum for swimming starting in 4th grade, no exceptions).
So we taught our daughters to ride bikes, but we live in a hilly neighborhood with no sidewalks and neighbors who drive SUVs (and increasingly Teslas) too fast without paying attention. The girls were wholly unwilling to ride around - frustrating my wife to no end, but I got it. Fortunately they both took to riding mountain bikes at camp, so I know they can at least operate a bike.
And that “at least they can operate it” stage is kind of where I am with them at 16 and 18. The older girl is largely locked in at college - recently she got food poisoning and had to go to the emergency room at 3 am to get rehydrated via IV. Once I calmed down, I was weirdly relieved - because it was an operational lesson as an adult, but not that hard won.
I wasn’t that great with small children because they’re unreasonable and can be hard to read. I kind of hit my stride when they were late elementary / middle school age, and hopefully they know that there are still a few bikes left that they need to learn to ride and I’ll help them as best I can before letting go.
(Sniffles quietly while putting the conference call on mute)
We may have been the most backward teachers when it came to riding a bike.
When my oldest got his first bike, his first lessons came on the carpeted hallway of our apartment. "You have brakes, you just have to try to pedal backward. Show me how you stop." A gentle push forward and and encouraging "Great job!" whenever he got the bike to stop without relying on the laws of inertia, gravity, and drag to do the work for him.
Next, "If you turn the wheel too sharp, the bike is going to tip over. If that happens, use your leg like a kickstand. Let's practice how to fall." With these two lessons already in muscle memory, the going forward bit was the easy part. Not only that, but two parents not panicking helped him stay focused on keeping himself upright and not on their reactions to his effort.
Do we do that? You're darned right we do.