Once a year activations are an outdated model that begs lesser competition to steal market share, so Brantwell has pushed stores to begin the season earlier and earlier. Thanksgiving was acquired after it lost 87.3% of its value. There are rumblings that Halloween is teetering on insolvency and could be the next to fall.
2. As a Bay Area kid *pulls on Oaklandish graphic T-shirt depicting the underside of the Bay Bridge to bolster my East Bay cred* I have one quibble with your descriptions, but it’s one that actually makes the whole thing more funny. There’s only one building taller than the 52 story Bank of America (yes, BofA) building in SF. And that is, of course, Salesforce Tower, which is in SoMa. Why is that important/perfect? Because Salesforce Tower, which was only completed in 2009, is, quite literally, sinking into the ground beneath it. It is a living metaphor of the hubris it takes to look at the reasons why everyone has done something the way they always have (earthquakes, landfill, etc.) and decide that you know better.
I considered pegging this to an existing building, but I reasoned that PolarX's offices are in a hastily-built new skyscraper that we can reasonably presume is sinking even faster than the Salesforce tower
It's the suspense of opening up the newsletter that keeps you coming back. Is it going to be a heartwarming rumination on the anxieties and satisfactions of parenting? Or is it going to be a fever dream about a santa replacement eating a salad with raw goose every day. Truly unparalleled range
Counting down the months until PolarX releases their LiST Stories feature where kids can plead their case for why they’ve been good enough to deserve whatever it is they want. Unless the vertical video of Stories is what they actually wanted all along...
After the PolarX data team failed to monetize the naughty list, the company turned toward disrupting the shipping industry by scaling up their sleigh-based delivery service. Unfortunately, the generous union contract for the reindeer and ongoing arbitration in elf court have kept the sleighs grounded.
I didn't think it was possible after last year's Reindeer essay, but -- and I'm not kidding here -- this is GOLD, JERRY, GOLD!!!! 🤣 🤣 🤣 (And I really mean it, it *is* gold! Love, love, loved it.)
Another addition to the Action Cookbook Christmas Extended Universe. If Brantwell were here and not in prison, he would be very impressed by the branding opportunities...
I need to know what Santa did after the acquisition. Did he stay in the North Pole or did he move to Hawaii to start a beachfront yoga studio? What about the elf population who are all suddenly out of a job? I need more worldbuilding
He’s made some noise about creating a new holiday, but it’s going to be an uphill climb to get established users to move over, and he hasn’t secured any financing yet.
I love that even with Christmas the android app is 3-4 weeks behind
Logged in to make this same comment. Tons of great little details in this but the android app being released in early January was my favorite
Your ability to channel this sort of breathless profile of a tech leader is disturbing.
It's all the stylistic grace notes, it's fantastic.
I was concerned about eating thorns. Then the piece continued and I hoped he bled to death from his thorn salad
Do we really know Scott is an architect?
What is a writer but an architect of words and stories?
Once a year activations are an outdated model that begs lesser competition to steal market share, so Brantwell has pushed stores to begin the season earlier and earlier. Thanksgiving was acquired after it lost 87.3% of its value. There are rumblings that Halloween is teetering on insolvency and could be the next to fall.
Easter and the Easter Bunny are already one of those fully-owned but differently-branded subcompanies of Christmas.
Brantwell Hask isn't real and I *still* want to punch him.
/offers socially-distanced bro-fist
1. lol. lmao.
2. As a Bay Area kid *pulls on Oaklandish graphic T-shirt depicting the underside of the Bay Bridge to bolster my East Bay cred* I have one quibble with your descriptions, but it’s one that actually makes the whole thing more funny. There’s only one building taller than the 52 story Bank of America (yes, BofA) building in SF. And that is, of course, Salesforce Tower, which is in SoMa. Why is that important/perfect? Because Salesforce Tower, which was only completed in 2009, is, quite literally, sinking into the ground beneath it. It is a living metaphor of the hubris it takes to look at the reasons why everyone has done something the way they always have (earthquakes, landfill, etc.) and decide that you know better.
behind the cookbook:
I considered pegging this to an existing building, but I reasoned that PolarX's offices are in a hastily-built new skyscraper that we can reasonably presume is sinking even faster than the Salesforce tower
Construction crews scrambling to add new floors to the top as each revolving bottom floor sinks into the clay, Looney Tunes-style.
They keep having to change the elevator buttons, too.
"Oh I guess we have another basement today, let's check out B7"
Push the button marked Lobby.
THIS. IS. WHY. I. SUBSCRIBE.
Bring me all the funny weird stuff plz and thank you
I love it! How did you ever come up with his lunch entree? You are so clever, I hope Hollywood options this for a movie.
Just had to think “what is the worst salad I can imagine”
It's the suspense of opening up the newsletter that keeps you coming back. Is it going to be a heartwarming rumination on the anxieties and satisfactions of parenting? Or is it going to be a fever dream about a santa replacement eating a salad with raw goose every day. Truly unparalleled range
muscle confusion. supercharges gains.
Gives Santa time to focus on his acting career. It's a real cosmic gumbo.
that's his rate, even if he does a bad job
Not sure, but I think it's a good thing that I didn't know half of the words in this piece. Even still, I loved it, but wanted to punch every word.
Happy PolarX, everyone!
Counting down the months until PolarX releases their LiST Stories feature where kids can plead their case for why they’ve been good enough to deserve whatever it is they want. Unless the vertical video of Stories is what they actually wanted all along...
After the PolarX data team failed to monetize the naughty list, the company turned toward disrupting the shipping industry by scaling up their sleigh-based delivery service. Unfortunately, the generous union contract for the reindeer and ongoing arbitration in elf court have kept the sleighs grounded.
I didn't think it was possible after last year's Reindeer essay, but -- and I'm not kidding here -- this is GOLD, JERRY, GOLD!!!! 🤣 🤣 🤣 (And I really mean it, it *is* gold! Love, love, loved it.)
If you haven’t purchased a gift for your corporate overlord: “black Issey Miyake tee and cream-colored linen pants”
Glad most, most, of the places I’ve worked didn’t quite have this culture.
I didn’t like the character but the post note was good, so obviously well done again.
Feel like this dude would be wearing something more outlandish than pants. Like maybe a kilt, or culottes?
Now I can't shake the mental image of Armie Hammer from Sorry To Bother You.
...which honestly works for Brantwell Hask on several levels.
Another addition to the Action Cookbook Christmas Extended Universe. If Brantwell were here and not in prison, he would be very impressed by the branding opportunities...
I need to know what Santa did after the acquisition. Did he stay in the North Pole or did he move to Hawaii to start a beachfront yoga studio? What about the elf population who are all suddenly out of a job? I need more worldbuilding
He’s made some noise about creating a new holiday, but it’s going to be an uphill climb to get established users to move over, and he hasn’t secured any financing yet.