I saw a TikTok last week where a child breaks a coffee mug and the dad essentially says "that was my favorite mug! I had a lot of good memories with that mug. But it's ok, i love you more than any mug and I know it was an accident!" and I guess I just think that that is a microcosm of parenting as a whole. Patience. Slow to anger. Clear communication. Understanding. Grace. All things I need to be much better at.
The best reminder that I need to be more patient was recently when my son responded to something with "okay, god, just give me a minute!" in the exact tone with which I say that
Last night the 3 year old had a couple of potty accidents (just refusing to stop what she's doing until it's too late to make it) and I told her that she's getting to be a big girl now and she's can't keep having them.
And she replied in the sweetest, Cindy-Lou-Who voice, "But I'm still so small."
I folded like a card table. I'm still not fully dry-eyed.
lol a couple we're friends with has a little girl who just started talking and they said one of the first things she said was "guys!" in the exact same way dad says it
How about raising your kid as a non accented person in a heavily accented area. In this case, greater Boston. My son spent 3.5 years with a lovely woman with a think accent and when he started talking he would say “oh my gawd” just the way she does.
I didn't realize someone made a TikTok of our house this past week? (3 year old broke my favorite coffee mug. Then the older kids rode their bike up the street for some independence and candy, and came back with a new mug that they all gave to me. I almost cried- and have used it every day since.)
Ya watching that video and contrasting it with how I assume I would react felt like a real wake up call. Like I'm never gonna be as cool and calm in that moment as the video dad was, but I can be a lot better for sure!
Having our first at the tail end of 2019, I'd say the worst was any variation of "let 'em get sick to build up their immune system". A thing or two happened shortly thereafter.
My stepdad said that when he was in a parenting class ~40 years ago the teacher said "one way or the other, they're always potty trained by the time they get to college." It's a helpful reminder that while the day to day stuff can seem astronomically important, as long as the basics are taken care of you'll be in good shape
My brother was famously difficult. When told that he could have dessert when all the food on his plate was gone, he simply picked up his plate of the high chair and dumped it on the ground, looked directly at my mom and said "All gone"
When she took him to the pediatrician, he informed her that he'd never had a patient starve and kids will eat when they are hungry.
1. I wish you’d written this in approximately may 2020 when I was certain that newborn parenting would simply cause me to die in my sleep from the tremendous pressure I was putting on myself, because nobody told me “it’s gonna be okay” and I desperately needed that. and guess what? it’s mostly been okay!
2. the best actual advice anyone gave me was “nobody knows what they’re doing the first time around and if they tell you otherwise they’re lying. I think it was in a DM from Brian Floyd actually
I was told once- "You're gonna be fine! People WAY dumber than you have raised children! Well, maybe not WAY dumber than YOU..."
But in all seriousness:
Make sure to take/give some time for yourself/to your partner. Even if it's just an hour nap, or a bucket of golf balls at the range, or a cup of tea and a book in the shade- whatever. Remember that even though you're in charge of this tiny human, you're still a human as well and your needs, though secondary for the time being, are still valid. It's amazing how much everyone's mood improves when they can do something for themselves, even for a little bit.
Oh, and don't be afraid to use too many wipes. They make them every day- don't be chintzy.
It's cliche, but the phrase "long days, short years" really helped me with the hard newborn times. It feels like it's going to kill you then all the sudden they're so big
Absolutely. A picture popped up in my memories a couple days ago of my daughter when she was about 9 months old, the perfect little warm potato who'd crash out on my shoulder, and I was thinking "awww that seems like yesterday" and then I can look at the additional streaks of grey hair on my head and realize it was not, in fact, yesterday
I actually just remembered, but you gave me a really good piece of parenting advice. You said something like, "it's ok if you don't enjoy the newborn phase, that doesn't make you a bad dad" And man did that take some pressure off! So, thanks for that
I am so glad to hear that. And I stand by that. You can *appreciate* the newborn phase but IMO it is very hard to *enjoy* it. After six months? That's when it can actually start to get fun.
Oh man, thanks for this. "When does this stop feeling like a mistake?" is such an importune question to ask, but, like, I kinda need to know. I can make it to six months.
I’d go further than that and say that you will find there are entire life phases that you’ll be better suited to. I was okay when our girls were younger but often struggled with patience; turns out I’m better with teenagers (and now a 20 year old wtf) whereas the missus can fairly said to be struggling a bit.
I'm married to an early childhood development expert and I swear it's like co-parenting with Yoda. Kid already tries to play me (she's not yet 2) by coming to me for a different answer after asking my wife. I thought I had a few more years before that came into play. That said, I love having a toddler. We're due with #2 in February and I'm honestly kinda dreading the baby phase again but can't wait to have another older baby again.
My wife's background is in cognitive science & linguistics & I don't think she's every really appreciated me describing the girls as her single longest experiment. She spent a lot of time in their youth essentially building a series of decision matrices so they always felt they had some autonomy without realizing it was being guided; she has not always coped well with their actual increases in autonomy now that we're in "preparing to launch" mode.
Yes! This is what I’m going through now. Sometimes my wife and I feel like ships passing in the night. The nights are long, but the years are definitely short for us.
I just remembered something. Wubbanub pacifiers are life savers. You will never lose a pacifier again. Regular pacifiers have the tendency to disappear into an alternate dimension, especially in the middle of the night. But if a Wubbanub pops out of the babies mouth, it just sits there on their chest and the baby can find it and put it back. I always suggest them for baby shower gifts or gifts for new parents.
Keep a radio with a decent AM tuner in the baby’s room. That way you can pick up the wacky overnight broadcasts from around the country during the late night/way too early feedings.
along these notes, when the baby goes down for a nap, do all the dang household chores. Get the baby used to noise. Always hated going to family's house when they had little ones, when the baby went down for a nap we had to basically hibernate as well. Kinda hard to do at a birthday party. We used to vacuum, put pots and pans away, etc, with nursery room door closed, and ours could sleep through just about any gathering we hosted.
man, the couple of years when my kids both still napped in the middle of the day, we would get SO MUCH done. there was a stretch in like 2018-19 where they'd both go down from like 12:30-3:30 and it was amazing.
Easier now to plan weekend activities, since we don't have that time blocked out, but harder to get household things done.
Wait a while and you might find weekends free up - when ours were in late middle school and high school my wife would get vexed that we weren’t doing much at the weekend but the younger one had fencing Saturdays and I pointed out that they both put in longer hours during the week than us and they needed the downtime.
my 9 year old niece has always needed noise to sleep, so eventually my brother and sister in law got her a radio. She's now the source of all weather information. "Did you know this has been the rainiest spring in Portland in 30 years?," that sort of thing.
While I can't recall any specific parenting advice that was world-changing, I can recall a few tips that proved helpful.
* "If you wait until you're ready to have kids, you'll never have kids." I am a planner, budgeter, and we were grinding away at some old debts to lessen the impact a new child might incur. As it turned out, we found out our first was on the way the same month we paid off wifey's car.
* Draw up your birth plan, and provide it to the hospital staff right away. MiL was adamant that she should be in the delivery room (as she was for SiL's 4) and we wanted that to be just our shared experience. The staff did well to keep her in the waiting room, but she snuck in as another family was leaving the delivery area, tried to enter our room, and my wife uttered a guttural "Get.....Out...." mid-push that made me wonder if we needed to call for an exorcist. The whole time, attendants were trying to usher MiL out in accordance to our plans, but wifey's words did the trick.
Get a good quality, comfortable chair for feedings. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need a fancy nursey chair/glider. Get something that is comfortable for both of you, but you can use as a regular chair once you no longer are bottle feeding the baby. The rocker we used for both of our kids is currently my favorite chair in the living room and matches the decor. Most "nursery chairs" are going to be eyesores that you'll want to get rid of in about two years, so don't waste your money.
I saw a TikTok last week where a child breaks a coffee mug and the dad essentially says "that was my favorite mug! I had a lot of good memories with that mug. But it's ok, i love you more than any mug and I know it was an accident!" and I guess I just think that that is a microcosm of parenting as a whole. Patience. Slow to anger. Clear communication. Understanding. Grace. All things I need to be much better at.
The best reminder that I need to be more patient was recently when my son responded to something with "okay, god, just give me a minute!" in the exact tone with which I say that
Last night the 3 year old had a couple of potty accidents (just refusing to stop what she's doing until it's too late to make it) and I told her that she's getting to be a big girl now and she's can't keep having them.
And she replied in the sweetest, Cindy-Lou-Who voice, "But I'm still so small."
I folded like a card table. I'm still not fully dry-eyed.
oh my GOD I'm dying
lol a couple we're friends with has a little girl who just started talking and they said one of the first things she said was "guys!" in the exact same way dad says it
How about raising your kid as a non accented person in a heavily accented area. In this case, greater Boston. My son spent 3.5 years with a lovely woman with a think accent and when he started talking he would say “oh my gawd” just the way she does.
horrifying lol
I didn't realize someone made a TikTok of our house this past week? (3 year old broke my favorite coffee mug. Then the older kids rode their bike up the street for some independence and candy, and came back with a new mug that they all gave to me. I almost cried- and have used it every day since.)
Ya watching that video and contrasting it with how I assume I would react felt like a real wake up call. Like I'm never gonna be as cool and calm in that moment as the video dad was, but I can be a lot better for sure!
Having our first at the tail end of 2019, I'd say the worst was any variation of "let 'em get sick to build up their immune system". A thing or two happened shortly thereafter.
Well, I'm sure that person reconsidered the error of their ways in 2020 and-- [touches earpiece] hm. ah. well, nevertheless
My stepdad said that when he was in a parenting class ~40 years ago the teacher said "one way or the other, they're always potty trained by the time they get to college." It's a helpful reminder that while the day to day stuff can seem astronomically important, as long as the basics are taken care of you'll be in good shape
My brother was famously difficult. When told that he could have dessert when all the food on his plate was gone, he simply picked up his plate of the high chair and dumped it on the ground, looked directly at my mom and said "All gone"
When she took him to the pediatrician, he informed her that he'd never had a patient starve and kids will eat when they are hungry.
Same vein - my wife is a pediatrician and one of her mentors in residency would say "there's no such thing as a starving picky eater"
1. I wish you’d written this in approximately may 2020 when I was certain that newborn parenting would simply cause me to die in my sleep from the tremendous pressure I was putting on myself, because nobody told me “it’s gonna be okay” and I desperately needed that. and guess what? it’s mostly been okay!
2. the best actual advice anyone gave me was “nobody knows what they’re doing the first time around and if they tell you otherwise they’re lying. I think it was in a DM from Brian Floyd actually
That was not a passenger. That was angel from heaven and I will not be told otherwise
I was told once- "You're gonna be fine! People WAY dumber than you have raised children! Well, maybe not WAY dumber than YOU..."
But in all seriousness:
Make sure to take/give some time for yourself/to your partner. Even if it's just an hour nap, or a bucket of golf balls at the range, or a cup of tea and a book in the shade- whatever. Remember that even though you're in charge of this tiny human, you're still a human as well and your needs, though secondary for the time being, are still valid. It's amazing how much everyone's mood improves when they can do something for themselves, even for a little bit.
Oh, and don't be afraid to use too many wipes. They make them every day- don't be chintzy.
Will report back in 3 months on best piece of advice I received. Maybe 9 months to see actual results.
Haha good luck! Can’t wait to hear the outcome.
“It’s okay if it doesn’t come naturally. Showing up every day as best you canis the most important part. Everything else will follow”
It's cliche, but the phrase "long days, short years" really helped me with the hard newborn times. It feels like it's going to kill you then all the sudden they're so big
Absolutely. A picture popped up in my memories a couple days ago of my daughter when she was about 9 months old, the perfect little warm potato who'd crash out on my shoulder, and I was thinking "awww that seems like yesterday" and then I can look at the additional streaks of grey hair on my head and realize it was not, in fact, yesterday
I actually just remembered, but you gave me a really good piece of parenting advice. You said something like, "it's ok if you don't enjoy the newborn phase, that doesn't make you a bad dad" And man did that take some pressure off! So, thanks for that
I am so glad to hear that. And I stand by that. You can *appreciate* the newborn phase but IMO it is very hard to *enjoy* it. After six months? That's when it can actually start to get fun.
Yeah, that one helped me a ton too.
If I may offer specialized advice to future parents - try to avoid scenarios where you spend nights 3-19 in a hotel room.
Oh man, thanks for this. "When does this stop feeling like a mistake?" is such an importune question to ask, but, like, I kinda need to know. I can make it to six months.
babies are notoriously bad at remembering dates, too, so don't sweat if it takes six and a half months, either. (good luck!)
That's so good to hear. We're six weeks in and I keep wondering if I'm not doing something right because this phase is not exactly my jam...
Hang in there!
I’d go further than that and say that you will find there are entire life phases that you’ll be better suited to. I was okay when our girls were younger but often struggled with patience; turns out I’m better with teenagers (and now a 20 year old wtf) whereas the missus can fairly said to be struggling a bit.
I'm married to an early childhood development expert and I swear it's like co-parenting with Yoda. Kid already tries to play me (she's not yet 2) by coming to me for a different answer after asking my wife. I thought I had a few more years before that came into play. That said, I love having a toddler. We're due with #2 in February and I'm honestly kinda dreading the baby phase again but can't wait to have another older baby again.
My wife's background is in cognitive science & linguistics & I don't think she's every really appreciated me describing the girls as her single longest experiment. She spent a lot of time in their youth essentially building a series of decision matrices so they always felt they had some autonomy without realizing it was being guided; she has not always coped well with their actual increases in autonomy now that we're in "preparing to launch" mode.
Yes! This is what I’m going through now. Sometimes my wife and I feel like ships passing in the night. The nights are long, but the years are definitely short for us.
This made me tear up Scott! Sometimes (sometimes...) parents can be so kind to one another. I'm glad you experienced that.
I just remembered something. Wubbanub pacifiers are life savers. You will never lose a pacifier again. Regular pacifiers have the tendency to disappear into an alternate dimension, especially in the middle of the night. But if a Wubbanub pops out of the babies mouth, it just sits there on their chest and the baby can find it and put it back. I always suggest them for baby shower gifts or gifts for new parents.
Keep a radio with a decent AM tuner in the baby’s room. That way you can pick up the wacky overnight broadcasts from around the country during the late night/way too early feedings.
along these notes, when the baby goes down for a nap, do all the dang household chores. Get the baby used to noise. Always hated going to family's house when they had little ones, when the baby went down for a nap we had to basically hibernate as well. Kinda hard to do at a birthday party. We used to vacuum, put pots and pans away, etc, with nursery room door closed, and ours could sleep through just about any gathering we hosted.
man, the couple of years when my kids both still napped in the middle of the day, we would get SO MUCH done. there was a stretch in like 2018-19 where they'd both go down from like 12:30-3:30 and it was amazing.
Easier now to plan weekend activities, since we don't have that time blocked out, but harder to get household things done.
Wait a while and you might find weekends free up - when ours were in late middle school and high school my wife would get vexed that we weren’t doing much at the weekend but the younger one had fencing Saturdays and I pointed out that they both put in longer hours during the week than us and they needed the downtime.
my 9 year old niece has always needed noise to sleep, so eventually my brother and sister in law got her a radio. She's now the source of all weather information. "Did you know this has been the rainiest spring in Portland in 30 years?," that sort of thing.
While I can't recall any specific parenting advice that was world-changing, I can recall a few tips that proved helpful.
* "If you wait until you're ready to have kids, you'll never have kids." I am a planner, budgeter, and we were grinding away at some old debts to lessen the impact a new child might incur. As it turned out, we found out our first was on the way the same month we paid off wifey's car.
* Draw up your birth plan, and provide it to the hospital staff right away. MiL was adamant that she should be in the delivery room (as she was for SiL's 4) and we wanted that to be just our shared experience. The staff did well to keep her in the waiting room, but she snuck in as another family was leaving the delivery area, tried to enter our room, and my wife uttered a guttural "Get.....Out...." mid-push that made me wonder if we needed to call for an exorcist. The whole time, attendants were trying to usher MiL out in accordance to our plans, but wifey's words did the trick.
Our OB gave us two pieces of medical advice that always made me feel better:
1) babies don’t have enough mass to break bones for the first couple of years
2) a dinner plate sized pool of blood is only one ounce
Whatever happens, they’re probably going to be fine and the scariest thing will be your reaction.
She also told us not to let the kids have ketchup; we broke that rule and now have to scold kids who eat it straight off their fingers…
I'm cracking up, these are both hilarious and entirely practical pieces of advice. I love it.
These feel super reassuring to me. Just read them to my wife, however, and got a “that’s terrifying” in response.
the variation we got for the first piece of advice was "there's a reason that babies bounce when you drop them," which is both terrifying and true.
Get a good quality, comfortable chair for feedings. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need a fancy nursey chair/glider. Get something that is comfortable for both of you, but you can use as a regular chair once you no longer are bottle feeding the baby. The rocker we used for both of our kids is currently my favorite chair in the living room and matches the decor. Most "nursery chairs" are going to be eyesores that you'll want to get rid of in about two years, so don't waste your money.
Oh man, seconding this. But maybe not TOO comfortable, it's a pain to have to move the cats off it for the 1am and 4am feedings...
The best advice I got was to ignore all advice. The person said it a bit tongue in cheek but there is a lot of truth to it, too.
That’s good advice! But did you listen to it? 🤣🤣🤣