The Chase for a Culinary Supervillain Continues
The world's greatest food criminal is still on the loose! Will you join the chase?
About a month ago, we began a chase here on The Action Cookbook Newsletter.
You may not know this, but in addition to publishing three newsletters a week, I also run a small detective agency, tracking down minor food criminals in my free time and bringing them to justice.
These miscreants and menaces to society come in many forms: someone who took all the fully-loaded nachos. Someone who left an unnecessarily-mean comment on a food photo posted online. Someone who cut the cake in the office break room in a really weird way. Someone who made one of those purposefully-off-putting TikToks where they smash up a bunch of food with their bare hands on a marble countertop.
The latest case to come across my desk was simply too much for me to handle alone, though.
You see, I’ve been tasked with finding the world’s greatest culinary supervillain.
He’s the one who first put chili over spaghetti, and pineapple on pizza. He taught St. Louis how to slice bagels, and convinced New Jerseyans that Taylor ham and pork roll were different things. He introduced barbecue fans to internet message boards, and came up with the whole “is a hot dog a sandwich?” debate.
His name is Glen from Cincinnati, and he’s planning his biggest crime yet.
Glen from Cincinnati has set out on a culinary tour of the United States, in search of new ideas in food that he can steal—with the intent of twisting and perverting into something truly evil. Once he’s completed this tour, he plans to unleash a new recipe—something he calls “Cincinnati-Style Gumbo”—on an unsuspecting public.
He’s on the run, and if we don’t catch him, he’s going to unleash a food crime so great it might collapse the internet entirely. I need your help to figure out:
Where in the #@&% is Glen From Cincinnati?
Each week, Glen is visiting a specific restaurant somewhere in the United States. Classic supervillain that he is, though, he’s letting his arrogance get the best of him. Each week, he’s dropping clues as to where he is in the form of a cryptic poem. It might just be enough information to catch him, if only we can parse his clues.
I’ll post a Google Form link, and you can drop your guesses as to where he is. (Multiple guesses are totally fine, just don’t go totally nuts about it.)
Of course, I’m not asking you to work for free. What is this, a 2010s-era sports-media site?
No, in my search for capable food detectives, I’m offering up some exciting bounties.
Each week, the first person to correctly guess Glen’s location will get a free month added to their subscription and win an Action Cookbook Newsletter merch package, including an ACBN drink koozie, vinyl sticker, magnet, and pet (or human) bandana:
Gosh, that’s some beautiful merch. But it’s hardly the only reward.
Each week of the chase, you can earn points toward some even more exciting prizes. The top point-scorer at the end of the 10-week chase will win my biggest ever ActionCookBox, a prize package full of things I love related to my Friday newsletters!
Here’s what’s in it:
The Flavor Bible by Karen Page and Andrew Dornenburg — Perhaps my single most-used culinary tome, it cross-references hundreds of ingredients with their flavor affinities. I reference this all the time in building new recipes for the ACBN.
Asada: The Art of Mexican-Style Grilling by Bricia Lopez — My favorite new cookbook of the year, I used it earlier this summer to make some spectular Michelada Carne Asada tacos.
Africana: More than 100 Recipes and Flavors Inspired by a Rich Continent by Lerato Umah-Shaylor — I’m super excited about this cookbook, as Lerato was a fellow member of the Substack Food Fellowship that I participated in last summer.
An instant-read thermometer — Probably the most important tool in my kitchen. I have this exact model and I’ve used it nearly every day for probably seven years. Rules of thumb are hit-and-miss; if you want to get better at cooking meat—like these Pork Chops with Espresso-Maple Glaze—you need one of these.
A Broil King “Super Flipper” — My favorite grill tool, this extra-long, extra-heavy is great for making Smashburgers, and it’s just a lot of fun to hold.
A stainless-steel meat pounder — If you’re going to make the ACBN’s signature dish, The Kentuckiana Hot Loin, you’re going to need a good one.
A two-handled mezzaluna knife — I’m realizing a theme here, and it’s that I gravitate toward kitchen tools that are both useful and just a lot of fun to use. A knife like this is great for mincing extra-fine, whether that’s for my Mushroom-Olive Tapenade or the trinity for a classic Chicken and Sausage Gumbo.
A Danish dough whisk — Great for whisking together wet and dry ingredients without getting them clogged, I picked up one of these after taking a sourdough class earlier this year and overcoming my fear of baking bread.
A 2-ounce angled measuring cup — I use this in pretty much every cocktail I make, as it’s perfect for getting those 1/4 ounce measurements just right.
Smoked Maldon Sea Salt — Perfect for finishing off a grilled piece of meat, adding some zing to a summer salad, or for making a Garden Party
A citrus peel / channel knife — For those perfect cocktail garnishes
Stainless steel cocktail picks — Great for drinks or fancy appetizers
Kentuxican Bourbon Hot Sauce — Y’know, ‘cause I’m a Hot Sauce Guy.
Oh, and one more thing:
An Action Cookbook Newsletter 20-ounce YETI Tumbler!
That’s a total prize package worth well over $250, and it can be yours!
If only you can help me catch Glen, that is.
Here’s how the scoring system works:
First correct guess of the week: 100 points
Correct guess, but not the first: 50 points
Didn’t guess right, but came within 50 miles: 20 points
First correct guess of the final location: 400 points
Correct guess of the final location, but not the first: 200 points
We’ve completed four weeks of the chase, but it’s still anyone’s game.
As it stands now, 47 people have accrued points toward the final goal.
Here’s the current top 10:
Nick R: 250 points
Josh D: 170 points
Andrew S: 120 points
Dave A: 120 points
Eric A: 120 points
Jake P: 120 points
Robert B: 120 points
Jeff G: 100 points
Kevin S: 100 points
Dillion G: 90 points
There’s lots more of you just outside the top 10—these rankings can change fast.
Just starting out? Don’t worry, there’s still time, and there’s more to win!
A single win can get vault you right into contention, and the final week’s raised scores mean no one’s close to clinching anything yet. That said, just as Major League Baseball has progressively added Wild Card playoff games to keep things interesting through August and September, I’m doing the same.
A second prize will be drawn at random from anyone who finishes between #2-11 in the final standings.
That person will win one of the ACBN Yetis, along with a $50 digital gift card to Homefield Apparel. (You are under no obligation to use that on a Kentuckiana Hot Loin shirt, but it is a pretty darn snazzy shirt.)
Haven’t played at all yet? No worries! There’s a third prize, too!
At the end of the run, I’ll also draw a name at random from anyone who’s submitted at least four guesses, regardless of if they’ve scored any points, and send that person one of those beautiful ACBN Yetis as well. Given that we’re just starting out Week 5 of 10, that means you’ve still got plenty of chances to win!
This competition is open to everyone.
You don’t have to be a paying subscriber to compete and win—but it’s going to be a whole lot easier, as you’ll see Glen’s clues faster, and get additional hints that aren’t on the free list.
Plus—and this is more important, really—you’ll be supporting (and enjoying) independent writing! Paid subscriptions not only keep this newsletter going, they allow me to keep running fun promotions like this.
If you haven’t signed on yet, now’s a great time to do so!
Okay, so let’s talk about the chase.
In Week 1, Glen turned out to have been getting wood-fired pizza at The Starving Rooster in Minot, North Dakoka.
In Week 2, he dined on a classic Breaded Pork Tenderloin sandwich at The Edinburgh Diner in Edinburgh, Indiana.
In Week 3, the siren song of slow-smoked ribs drew him to Promise Land BBQ in Woodstock, Alabama.
And, in the just-completed Week 4, Andrew S. was the first to figure out that Glen was grabbing one of the best banh mi you’ll ever eat at Ba Xuyên in the Sunset Park neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York.
Each time, he’s avoided capture, but I think we’re getting closer to getting him.
We’ve just received his Week 5 cable, and here it is:
A tasty hot dog’s not too far,
But I’ll sidestep that trolley car.
On cheese and meat, I’m awfully keen,
This week, though, I’m going green.
While you might search for me for hours,
I’ve just stopped to smell the flowers.
I’ll have a big salad like Elaine
Enjoy the sunset by the lake.
While next week I might return to sin,
Right now my better angels win.
UPDATE 8/16/2023:
Some of you should work on reading,
Because it’s not meat I’m eating.
I’m trying healthy instead of naughty,
In the land of the glitterati.
UPDATE 8/18/23:
This week my menu is a bit milder,
But still, the chase is getting Wilder
I’m eating somewhere without meat
On a famously-named street.
Where could he be???
Submit your guesses via this Google Form—not in the comments, because we don’t want to spoil the chase for anyone else.
Happy hunting!
—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)
Me, when this was first announced: I know a lot about restaurants and local specialties/cuisines across the country, I'm gonna be great at this!
Me, every time new clues are announced: Buuhhhhhhhhh [drools], Times Square Olive Garden?
I’ve been lax on hunting Glen (or at least extremely bad at it) but now he rhymed “the lake” with “Elaine”? A slant rhyme crime!