Calling All Food Detectives
The ACBN is on the hunt for the world's greatest culinary villain... and I need your help!
The Action Cookbook Newsletter is many things.
It’s an award-winning1 food blog. It’s a place to find thoughtful essays on parenting. It’s a place for creative short fiction, or for downright silly stuff.
But did you know that it’s also a detective agency?
It’s true!
You see, as an independent online publication, it’s important to keep your revenue streams diversified, and so for the last several years I’ve freelanced in private investigations, hunting down criminals in the world of food and drink.
These miscreants and menaces to society come in many forms: someone who took all the fully-loaded nachos. Someone who left an unnecessarily-mean comment on a food photo posted online. Someone who cut the cake in the office break room in a really weird way. Someone who made one of those purposefully-off-putting TikToks where they smash up a bunch of food with their bare hands on a marble countertop.
The ACBN’s fully-licensed and bonded detectives have hunted each of them down and brought them to justice.
But our latest case?
Well, it’s too big for this small agency to handle alone.
You see, we’re hot on the tail of the world’s greatest food criminal.
When you see the sketch of our suspect, you might think he looks like an average, unremarkable Midwestern man—but don’t be fooled. He’s responsible for some of the greatest crimes in culinary history.
He’s the one who first put chili over spaghetti, and pineapple on pizza. He taught St. Louis how to slice bagels, and convinced New Jerseyans that Taylor ham and pork roll were different things. He introduced barbecue fans to internet message boards, and came up with the whole “is a hot dog a sandwich?” debate.
He’s a diabolical food supervillain.
His name is Glen from Cincinnati, and he’s planning his biggest crime yet.
Glen from Cincinnati has set out on a culinary tour of the United States, in search of new ideas in food that he can steal—with the intent of twisting and perverting into something truly evil. Once he’s completed this tour, he plans to unleash a new recipe—something he calls “Cincinnati-Style Gumbo”—on an unsuspecting public.
If he’s allowed to go through with it, the entire internet may well collapse under the weight of the ensuing arguments.
It’s up to you to catch him first.
[a capella band appears out of nowhere, starts singing and beatboxing]
Well he sneaks around kitchens from Pittsburgh to Minnesota
He's a pizza parlor pirate pitchin’ pies in Altoona
He'll take you for a ride on a slow boat to Memphis
Tell me where in the #&@% is Glen from Cincinnati?
He’ll put cream cheese on your hot dog in Vancouver and Seattle
From Miami to Tampa they'll be singing the blues
He’ll make a Philly-style cheesesteak with Velveeta over scrapple
Tell me where in the #&@% is Glen from Cincinnati?
He goes from Nashville to Mobile, Detroit to St. Louis
New Orleans to Kentuckiana and back!
Well he'll top brisket from Texas with a sauce from Carolina
Then he'll head up to Wisconsin, pour a lemon-lime Old-Fashioned
Put the zing in unappetizing when he made Steubenville pizza
Tell me where in the #&@% is Glen from Cincinnati?
Oh tell me where in the world is... Oh tell me where can he be?
Arizona to Georgia, Maine via New Haven,
Indy to Detroit, Ohio, Iowa!
Well he glides around the map and he’ll mess up every menu
He's a double-dealing gourmand with a taste for devilry
His itinerary's loaded up with cooking innovations
Tell me where in the #&@% is Glen from Cincinnati?
Here’s how this chase is going to go—and how you can help catch him.
Glen from Cincinnati is already out his devious culinary tour, but he’s gone so long without getting caught for his crimes that he’s gotten cocky.
Each week, he’s going to tease where he is with a poem filled with cryptic clues,2 and it’s up to you to figure out where he is.
This poem—if you interpret it correctly—will lead you to the location of a real restaurant somewhere in the United States. If you guess the restaurant right, you’ll bring us closer to capturing him before his culinary Oppenheimer moment can take place—and, as a professional detective agency, we’ll reward you for your services.
Catch Glen, Win Prize
Each week, the first person to correctly guess the restaurant that Glen from Cincinnati is at will win an Action Cookbook Newsletter merch package, one free month added to their subscription, and—this is important—they’ll gain points toward being named the ultimate food detective.
At the end of this 10-week chase, whoever leads in the overall points count will win the biggest Action CookBox prize package to date!
(Details to follow on that. Every Action CookBox to date has been good; this one’s going to be better, I promise.)
Here’s how the scoring system will work:
First correct guess of the week: 100 points
Correct guess, but not the first: 50 points
Didn’t guess right, but came within 50 miles: 20 points
First correct guess of the final location: 400 points
Correct guess of the final location, but not the first: 200 points
You’ll have one week to guess each clue—I’ll post new ones on Monday mornings, and reveal the results the following Monday.
In the meantime—especially if no one’s getting close—I’ll drop additional clues that our other detectives have found, sharing them on Substack Notes and in the Wednesday and Friday newsletters.
Theoretically, though, everything you need to solve each week’s puzzle will be in Glen’s weekly poem.
All guesses should be submitted via this Google Form and nowhere else, to avoid spoiling the game for others:
Additional notes (updated based on questions I’ve been asked):
Multiple guesses are welcome!
Glen is avoiding chain restaurants—if he happens to end up at a place with two locations, guessing either correctly will count!
That’s the rules of the chase—and it’s already started.
We’ve just received a fresh cable from Glen, who offers up his first taunting verse:
[NOTE 7/24/23: Week 1 is now closed, and the location has been revealed to be The Starving Rooster pizza in Minot, North Dakota. I’ve annotated to reveal the hints.]
If you can solve this silly riddle,
You’ll find me near a big plate’s middle.3
Engines scream from overhead4
While you stretch and toss in bed5
Rise to the call and you’ll discover6
A dish to split and share with others.7
You’ll find me in a magic place8
But only if you pick up the pace.
UPDATE (7/18/2023) We’ve received a fresh cable from Glen!
“A state that’s on the northern border /
That is where I place my order.
Not that far from Canada—
They’ve got dough, but not empanadas”
UPDATE (7/19/2023) More from Glen!
Sorry to interrupt your big-city dreams,
But this place has no major sports teams.
This restaurant has one distinct feature,
A picture of a barnyard creature.
That’s just another reason to bring him to justice—and quick!
Please feel free to ask any questions you might have in the comments (or by responding to this email) but as noted above—keep all guesses to the Google Form.
Good luck, and happy hunting!
—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)
I bet he got the idea for this from Forrest Fenn’s treasure hunt. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fenn_treasure
The geographic center of the North American continent is in North Dakota.
This was a clue to Minot AFB, just north of Minot, ND.
“Stretch and toss” was to get you thinking about pizza.
“Rise to the call” was a hint about the rooster mascot
[whispering] that’s pizza
Soon after its founding, Minot earned the nickname “the Magic City” for its rapid growth. (See “history” section: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minot,_North_Dakota)
And (as of Tuesday morning) we've got our first correct guess! Don't stop hunting now, though--there's still a good chance to rack up points if you guess right, too!
This is far more important than anything I planned on doing at work today. This madman must be stopped.