The Five People You Meet During a Flight Delay
Come discover human nature with me in Terminal F
I’ve been traveling a lot for work lately. (You know, for my other job.)
I’ve got it down to a pretty good science these days. I know exactly what time I have to leave my house in the morning to park, make it through security and get to the gate without excess time before boarding. I know how to efficiently pack a carry-on-compliant suitcase, how to make a quick connection between terminals at O’Hare, and what the best part of the Charlotte airport is. (Leaving it.)
None of this is unusual, of course.
We each have our own styles of air travel—our own approaches, our own packing styles, our own specific itineraries. Some of us prefer to get to the airport hours early and check our bags through to our final destination; others among us prefer to stroll up right before the flight closes with all our belongings in a messenger bag. Some of us are first-class-or-bust travels, and some of us will fly in the cargo hold if the price is right.
When everything’s moving smoothly, we’re all our own individual travelers.
But when that DELAYED notice goes up on the board?
Well, that’s when we start sorting ourselves into categories.
After extensive field study on the matter, I’ve been able to sort delayed travelers into five distinct archetypes.
Let’s review.
The Protagonist
You will see him first.
Or, rather, you will hear him first.
There are 150 people on this flight, but you have to understand that this flight delay is a personal attack on him and him alone. He can’t understand how this flight possibly could be delayed—he apparently didn’t notice when lightning struck the plane parked just outside the windows several minutes ago—and he can’t understand why the gate agent personally made the decision to delay it.
Those things aren’t his concern.
His concern is getting to Wilkes-Barre tonight, because he’s got to close the Johnson Account. If he doesn’t get there, heads are going to roll. (He is an assistant regional sales manager for a playground equipment company, and Johnson Elementary is this close to buying a new Gaga Ball pit.)
He will repeatedly threaten to call the president of the airline, the Better Business Bureau and his member of Congress, and will only be placated by a voucher for use at the terminal TGI Friday’s.
He will have two margaritas there and miss the flight when it does take off.
The Realist
Much like The Protagonist, the Realist is traveling for business.
That’s where the similarities end, though.
The Realist is not necessarily at peace with the delay, but they long ago accepted the inevitability of it. They understand the unpredictability of weather and the delicacy of a regional carrier’s schedules; they know how easily one flight delay in the morning can snowball into a web of delays by afternoon. They know that there is no sense in yelling at anyone over this, as there is simply nothing that can be done.
They are a spiritual brother to Morgan Freeman’s Red in The Shawshank Redemption, or perhaps Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen.
Do not mistake any of this for healthy coping skills. They are dead inside, and what is dead simply cannot be killed, not even by a ground stop at DFW.
The Optimist
Yes, the flight’s been delayed for three hours now, but they’ve got to make sure everything is safe, right? These folks know what they’re doing, and they’re doin’ their best, y’know!
Besides, they just had a great meal—did you know Wolfgang Puck has a place here? He wasn’t working tonight, they guess. Maybe he just stayed in the back. Either way, the Turkey Cobb Salad was delicious, and they sent their compliments back to the chef.
The Optimist appears to be on vacation, though you can’t quite be sure.
Assuming they are, they don’t seem to be sweating the lost time at their destination. I mean, the journey’s half the fun, isn’t it? If this flight had been on time, they wouldn’t have had time after dinner to check out all the neat stuff in the Brookstone store.
(There’s a chair in there that you’ll want to buy dinner after, if you catch their drift.)
Everyone at the gate is jealous of The Optimist’s ability to make the best of a bad situation, and has had vivid fantasies of harming them in the past two hours.
The Wild Card
It is not clear how this person got to the airport in the first place.
First of all, they do not appear to have any luggage with them. It’s possible, one supposes, that they checked it all to their final destination. Deep down, however, we know that that requires an element of forethought and planning that they are clearly incapable of. They have already taken several phone calls on speakerphone, and they are currently biding their time at the gate by eating a tray of sizzling-hot fajitas.
(There is not a Mexican restaurant in this airport.)
At one point, they will get up from their seat and return soaking wet.
It is raining outside, but did they go outside? How?
The mysteries of this person will slowly eat at the other travelers—especially The Realist, who does not appreciate seeing the immutable laws of space and time bent so freely.
In the fourth hour of the delay, The Wild Card will look at their boarding pass and realize that their flight was actually supposed to be tomorrow, and it is on a train that leaves from another city.
The Sleeping Guy
He was here before anyone else was, and he has been asleep the entire time.
It’s not clear how he’s remained asleep through everything—the Protagonist’s coffee-is-for-closers tirade at the gate agent, the Realist’s thorough explanation of air traffic control procedures, the Optimistic’s enthusiastic retelling of the entire plot of Tom Hanks’ The Terminal, or those frantic moments after the Wild Card’s ferret got loose.
Somehow, he missed it all.
Is he even on this flight? There’s no way of knowing. I suppose we’ll wake him if the flight does start boarding, but he just looks so peaceful right now.
He is alive, right?
Yeah, he’s alive. Probably.
—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)
Tag yourself. Which traveler are you?
Weird, didn't show up in my inbox.
The Realist doesn't even have to be traveling on business, honestly. He has entered an airport and as such time has no meaning to me, I mean him, anymore.