"Somehow, miraculously, Christmas, a millennias old tradition, has come again."
A strange addition to the Christmas canon, like a new animal or something
"Manfred, the Christmas Manatee who commits insurance fraud"
A thing that we are sad about, and maybe not the obvious thing we are all sad about, because hopefully that’s less of a thing after this year and we’d like to keep cashing satellite radio royalty checks
"The fact that the insurance investigators are catching on to him"
A musical genre that those fools listening out there in Radioland wouldn’t expect to have a Christmas song, but it DOES
"Ska"
A twist to this song that could only be conceived of by a 1960s writer on drugs
"In Florida, your house can't be taken from you in a bankruptcy proceeding."
A Christmas thing you are horny about, you degenerate weirdo
"That Manatees were often confused for mermaids by very sad sailors in the 18th century"
An artist in dire need of a comeback hit that we can try to sell this to
Yes, I know. That said, I found a playlist of Ska Christmas songs, and only Los Straightjackets all surf rock instrumental Christmas albums are peppier.
Here's the thing, you could add one verse to Banks of Newfoundland that mentions Wallace the Christmas Whale (still works hopping that one), it's already about being sad and cold in Canada in winter
First, on the reindeer issue, the names from the song are actually titles bestowed upon them by other reindeer, they have a ceremony very similar to a papal conclave to pick new reindeer to serve as whichever spot is available. Not enough people know about this, maybe we should make a Christmas song about it:
A weird way of stating that it is Christmas
- it’s time to pick a new reindeer
A strange addition to the Christmas canon, like a new animal or something
- Reindeer are selected by a Cervine Conclave
A thing that we are sad about, and maybe not the obvious thing we are all sad about, because hopefully that’s less of a thing after this year and we’d like to keep cashing satellite radio royalty checks
- Vixen died, but we’ll have a new on very soon; as soon as the morning period following this reindeer cooking funeral is completed
A musical genre that those fools listening out there in Radioland wouldn’t expect to have a Christmas song, but it DOES
- Metal
A twist to this song that could only be conceived of by a 1960s writer on drugs
- each actively serving reindeer puts forward one candidate to face the reindeer trials to see if they are worthy to serve, during which they are fed only special cocoa and candy canes until they reach a hallucinogenic state, if they trip but don’t barf they’re good
A Christmas thing you are horny about, you degenerate weirdo
- voting is made by adverse selection, they reindeer poop in front of whomever they least want to serve
An artist in dire need of a comeback hit that we can try to sell this to
--"Looks like we've brewed up a batch of Christmas again!"
A strange addition to the Christmas canon, like a new animal or something
-- Dale, the Christmas Moonshine Hero- He cooks up batches of his special Christmas Moonshine to bring some holiday cheer to the town
A thing that we are sad about, and maybe not the obvious thing we are all sad about, because hopefully that’s less of a thing after this year and we’d like to keep cashing satellite radio royalty checks
-- The Revenue Man catches Dale the Christmas Moonshine Hero, so there won't be any Christmas Moonshine this year
A musical genre that those fools listening out there in Radioland wouldn’t expect to have a Christmas song, but it DOES
-- Bluegrass
A twist to this song that could only be conceived of by a 1960s writer on drugs
-- The townsfolk bust Dale out of the slammer and toss The Revenue Man into the river, almost assuredly sending him to the hospital with hypothermia, as it's December
A Christmas thing you are horny about, you degenerate weirdo
-- The Christmas Moonshine does wonders for the townsfolk's inhibitions
An artist in dire need of a comeback hit that we can try to sell this to
In many years, I'm uninterested in the sheer number of unnecessary cfb bowl games. Yet, now that we are losing these games, it is sad. You don't realize what you have until it's gone, which makes for a Christmas classic. I obviously need this song performed by Creed.
[Joni Mitchell voice, but somehow also Scott Stapp] don't it always seem to go / never thought I'd miss the Bahamas Bowl / they cancelled the game / cost C-USA a bowl bid slot / Shooo / fa la la la
Don't hold me know / I'm six feet from the nearest person / And I'm thinking / Maybe the Sun Bowl should be played this year (Scott Stapp was made for this)
IF I HAD JUST ONE WISH/THE PLAYOFF'D TAKE A STAND/THEY'D ADD 16 TEAMS/BUT BOWL GAMES WON'T BE BANNED/AND THEY'LL HAVE .500 WAKE/PLAY IN A FOREIGN LAND/"BOWL CHAMPS" BANNER UNFURLED/WHEN NEXT YEAR OPENS
1. "Grandma gut run over by a reindeer" = the drug one
2. There really needs to be a "This is Christmas in a Hardware Store" because it seems like that's every middle-aged man (and I) always end up every Christmas. "All I want for Christmas Is A Grill That Works" or "Have Yourself Some Merry High-Density Air Filters" are possible ideas.
Suggested lyric, "How can it be Christmas, it's still fucking March?"
Also, you missed a golden opportunity to invent "real" reindeer by throwing out names of fomer Cincinnati players. She would totally buy that there is a reindeer named Munchie.
We should take a foreign tradition and Americanize it, since that’s what we do with everything else. I propose the Catalonian tradition of Caga Tío, a log that you beat with sticks until it shits candy.
Scott has heard my rant about "trendy" animals marketed toward kids a lot. So, to maximize profit, I think the song should be about one of the following:
1) unicorn or narwhal - lots of puns here with HORNS
A narwhal repeatedly writing to Santa because they want to be a unicorn, and at the end Santa writes back saying you've been a unicorn this whole time is such a bonkers song concept that I'm amazed it doesn't exist.
This would make a great animated/claymation Christmas special. Everything is off because there isn't enough Christmas spirit so Emmet Otter has to get the band back together and come up with a new song. Just follow the plot of The Blues Brothers, you can have Emmet repeatedly saying, "We're on a mission from God (or Santa)." Think of the merchandising tie-ins and yearly re-airings.
My fault, I didn't really type that out as well as I should have. I was aware that it was a real thing. I somehow mis-remembered it being a Disney property and not a Muppets property. Probably because I misremembered Chester Otterton's last name from Zootopia and thought they were related.
My idea was more of a sequel to the original and basically following the "getting the band back together" plot from the Blues Brothers. But in this case it would be to save Christmas. They could duplicate the over-the-top chase scene but instead of cop cars, they are running from Amazon delivery drones. A whole spirit of the season vs the just buying lots of stuff theme.
The kids love the superheroes, so let's work with that.
1) Jesus- Original Avenger
2) The star the wise men followed was Loki's spaceship
3) We're sad because the sequel to this story may never come, though devout fans believe that Jesus 2: He Will Rise Again will be released someday
4) It's 3rd wave ska
5) I think "Bible is now MCU canon" counts as a 60's drug conclusion under the Royal Guardsmen Postulate
6) Gimme that frankincense, babyyyyy (also, it's what gives the baby Jesus his powers, every origin story needs a good "but I don't have enough [RESOURCE THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A REAL THING] to fight!")
7) We may have painted ourselves into a corner with the genre, but I'm going with Mighty Mighty Bosstones feat. Gwen Stefani
Okay, after a week in the lab, here it is: the worst best Christmas song ever written
"Yule Tides"
The lights on the bushes were twinkling, the front yard Santas inflated
I should have been feeling jolly, but instead was irritated
It was the twelfth month of the year, and two dozen days into it
The twenty-fifth would be here soon, but I didn’t think that I could do it
Yes, they say that late December is the most magical of seasons
But I was sad at Christmas… for a variety of reasons
[rapid-fire rapping, but bad, like “We Didn’t Start The Fire”]
My New Year’s resolutions fell apart way back in March
I was going to do a fitness program but I didn’t even start
There’s nothing left to watch / since they cancelled Netflix’s Glow
It was a pretty decent for a streaming TV show
Major League Baseball keeps messing with the rules
The universal designated hitter is the handiwork of fools
They’ve cancelled half the minors and are messing with the rest
I don’t think that Rob Manfred has passed the commish test
I used to think that college football had way too many minor bowls
But they cancelled the Bahamas game and I really miss it so
The IRS has caught on to my tax evasion schemes
And lately I’ve been having “went to school naked” dreams
Why haven’t they made any more Christmas specials in claymation?
And we haven’t even got to the many serious problems with our nation
Yes, everything’s gone all wrong for more than nine straight months
Even this rhyme itself went wrong ‘cause nothing rhymes with months
Will they edit this verse down to fit when they play it on the radio?
I hope they don’t delete but I understand it maybeso
/whoooooooooooaa….
[back to crooning]
Yes, my heart it had been broken
My bank account was running slim
I decided that I should clear my head
With a nice and frigid winter swim
I’d seen a flyer posted at Publix about one week ago
(this song takes place in Jacksonville, I guess that’s a fact that you should know)
It sounded kind of silly, but also maybe weirdly fun
I thought that I might try the annual Polar Bear Swim plunge
So I drove down to the beach, on a chilly Christmas Eve'n
People were gathered, stripping down, the winter winds a breezin'
They’d dive into the water, brave the bitterness and cold
Shock themselves into a new year and toss on out the old
The faces in that crowd were merry, their smiles wide and bright
Their bodies tanned and trim, while mine was pizza doughy white
As I disrobed I began to feel a sudden wave of shame and timidity
Covered my bits and tried to hide until they said "get ready!"
We ran into the water, and the cold it was so frightening
I gasped for air and shivered, but it was also quite enlightening
All my landlocked problems seemed to float off on the tides
The only problem was the current that then took me for a ride
I drifted beyond the breakers and straight on out to sea
It seemed that night the ocean had chose to murder me
What an unfortunate and sad turn my whole saga had taken
I stared up at the moonlight sky, feeling quite forsaken
I looked up at the stars, and out across the water
I guess this is what I get for doin’ something I shouldn’t ougtha
And just as I’d resigned myself to watery oblivion
Something broke the surface, it was shiny, bright and shimmerin’
A horn like rainbow silver golden twisted sugar candy
Was it the pointy nose of walrus, mermaid or manatee?
The beast it fully surfaced, and said “No, my name’s Arlo,
I’m the non-denominational magical holiday Narwhal.”
“I’ve got a broad appeal to folks secular and observant,
And I’m here to save your foolish hide from a Yuletide rip current.”
I said “well, Mr. Narwhal, that’d be right nice, if’n it’s no bother,”
He said “Please, call me Arlo, Mr. Narwhal was my father.”
“And don’t be silly, rescues are just one of my many duties,
And I think you’ll find I have ample merchandising opportunities.
Please meet my friends, the stars of a future cartoon franchise.”
And then surfaced a whole cast of family-friendly animal good guys!
Manfred Manatee and Millard, the Sea Urchin
Randy the Resolution Rabbit (though how he swam I’m not quite certain.)
Jingles the dead raccoon? That’s not even a sea creature.
But we can work him in, there’s plenty of room for features
A dolphin and three octopi, and twelve whale-riding toads
They’ll all be introduced in subsequent episodes
I said, “please can you help me, my commercial-friendly friends,
I’ve decided this water should not be where my story ends.”
“I’d like to go back to shore, I’m feeling newly inspired—
But I don’t think I can swim that far, my arms are cramped and tired.”
My new friends nodded, and they hatched a plan to save me
They’d give me a ride to go along with the new lease on life they gave me
So they formed a flying wedge, their fins and flippers in a linkage
And everyone was nice enough to not comment on my shrinkage
They towed me back to the beach, pushed me ashore with some cursing
Right back where I’d started, the Polar Bear Club was dispersing
One figure was left standing on that moonlit Duval County sand
The most beautiful person on which my eyes would ever land
She offered my shivering body a clean and fresh dry beach towel
And didn’t even notice the departure of Team Narwhal
I don’t know what she saw in my frigid, sopping wet figure
But for some reason she invited me to join her, for Christmas dinner.
I accepted it and thanked her, and shared that I’d almost died.
She said, “No, you just got swept up in a festive Yule Tide.”
whoa
oh, crud, I mean DUUUVAAALLL!!!!!!
Amazing!
A weird way of stating that it is Christmas
"Somehow, miraculously, Christmas, a millennias old tradition, has come again."
A strange addition to the Christmas canon, like a new animal or something
"Manfred, the Christmas Manatee who commits insurance fraud"
A thing that we are sad about, and maybe not the obvious thing we are all sad about, because hopefully that’s less of a thing after this year and we’d like to keep cashing satellite radio royalty checks
"The fact that the insurance investigators are catching on to him"
A musical genre that those fools listening out there in Radioland wouldn’t expect to have a Christmas song, but it DOES
"Ska"
A twist to this song that could only be conceived of by a 1960s writer on drugs
"In Florida, your house can't be taken from you in a bankruptcy proceeding."
A Christmas thing you are horny about, you degenerate weirdo
"That Manatees were often confused for mermaids by very sad sailors in the 18th century"
An artist in dire need of a comeback hit that we can try to sell this to
"Manfred Mann (NOT DEAD!)"
oh I was really hoping you would show up here, Craig
This is my moment.
Manfred, the Christmas Manatee who commits insurance fraud is definitely an established Christmas tradition in Jacksonville and Tampa.
"DUUUUVVVAAAALLLLL!!!" needs to be sprinkled in in the background throughout the song.
As well as references to Blake Bortles and Stupid Nick's Wing Dump
Ska? CRAIG, I HAVE A BRAND, YOU KNOW THIS
Yes, I know. That said, I found a playlist of Ska Christmas songs, and only Los Straightjackets all surf rock instrumental Christmas albums are peppier.
I... I would like to see this playlist.
This is the way.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7dKBXiz6N241SG5Uro7I2m?si=H-465QlAS9-I6WDz24kiUg
The fact that there is an album called Christma-ska and I didn't know about it is simultaneously thrilling and saddening.
Sea shanty. I will take no further questions.
Christmas on the Briney!
Here's the thing, you could add one verse to Banks of Newfoundland that mentions Wallace the Christmas Whale (still works hopping that one), it's already about being sad and cold in Canada in winter
First, on the reindeer issue, the names from the song are actually titles bestowed upon them by other reindeer, they have a ceremony very similar to a papal conclave to pick new reindeer to serve as whichever spot is available. Not enough people know about this, maybe we should make a Christmas song about it:
A weird way of stating that it is Christmas
- it’s time to pick a new reindeer
A strange addition to the Christmas canon, like a new animal or something
- Reindeer are selected by a Cervine Conclave
A thing that we are sad about, and maybe not the obvious thing we are all sad about, because hopefully that’s less of a thing after this year and we’d like to keep cashing satellite radio royalty checks
- Vixen died, but we’ll have a new on very soon; as soon as the morning period following this reindeer cooking funeral is completed
A musical genre that those fools listening out there in Radioland wouldn’t expect to have a Christmas song, but it DOES
- Metal
A twist to this song that could only be conceived of by a 1960s writer on drugs
- each actively serving reindeer puts forward one candidate to face the reindeer trials to see if they are worthy to serve, during which they are fed only special cocoa and candy canes until they reach a hallucinogenic state, if they trip but don’t barf they’re good
A Christmas thing you are horny about, you degenerate weirdo
- voting is made by adverse selection, they reindeer poop in front of whomever they least want to serve
An artist in dire need of a comeback hit that we can try to sell this to
- Metallica
This sounds like a Dethklok song. They could definitely pull this off (RIP Metalocalypse)
Sorry, reindeer “Viking” funeral, similar yet so so different
The most important thing I can add is for point one: "It's Christmas, bitch" in the style of "It's Britney, bitch"
Absolutely. Yes.
A weird way of stating that it is Christmas
--"Looks like we've brewed up a batch of Christmas again!"
A strange addition to the Christmas canon, like a new animal or something
-- Dale, the Christmas Moonshine Hero- He cooks up batches of his special Christmas Moonshine to bring some holiday cheer to the town
A thing that we are sad about, and maybe not the obvious thing we are all sad about, because hopefully that’s less of a thing after this year and we’d like to keep cashing satellite radio royalty checks
-- The Revenue Man catches Dale the Christmas Moonshine Hero, so there won't be any Christmas Moonshine this year
A musical genre that those fools listening out there in Radioland wouldn’t expect to have a Christmas song, but it DOES
-- Bluegrass
A twist to this song that could only be conceived of by a 1960s writer on drugs
-- The townsfolk bust Dale out of the slammer and toss The Revenue Man into the river, almost assuredly sending him to the hospital with hypothermia, as it's December
A Christmas thing you are horny about, you degenerate weirdo
-- The Christmas Moonshine does wonders for the townsfolk's inhibitions
An artist in dire need of a comeback hit that we can try to sell this to
-- Alan Jackson
Is this just Rocky Top, the Christmas? Because, gotta say, here for it!
Why don't we take the new character thing in a different direction:
Chappy The Christmas Chapstick That You Found In Your Coat After Putting It On For The First Time This Winter
In many years, I'm uninterested in the sheer number of unnecessary cfb bowl games. Yet, now that we are losing these games, it is sad. You don't realize what you have until it's gone, which makes for a Christmas classic. I obviously need this song performed by Creed.
[Joni Mitchell voice, but somehow also Scott Stapp] don't it always seem to go / never thought I'd miss the Bahamas Bowl / they cancelled the game / cost C-USA a bowl bid slot / Shooo / fa la la la
Don't hold me know / I'm six feet from the nearest person / And I'm thinking / Maybe the Sun Bowl should be played this year (Scott Stapp was made for this)
THE HYUNDAI SUN BOWL / IT'S IN EL PASO / WELCOME TO THIS GAME / WE'VE GOT PITT AND STANFORD / THE HYUNDAI SUN BOWL
I know it's actually the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl now but that doesn't sing as easily.
Don't forget to mention the obligatory Helen of Troy hair-dryer that always is included in the Sun Bowl gift bag.
It'll always be the Hyundai Sun Bowl to me, damnit!
IF I HAD JUST ONE WISH/THE PLAYOFF'D TAKE A STAND/THEY'D ADD 16 TEAMS/BUT BOWL GAMES WON'T BE BANNED/AND THEY'LL HAVE .500 WAKE/PLAY IN A FOREIGN LAND/"BOWL CHAMPS" BANNER UNFURLED/WHEN NEXT YEAR OPENS
My day's wide open/The schedule's light/Welcome to Gameday/I'll show you Pitt-Tulane
*frantically looking for what rhymes with "Redbox Bowl"*
Blockbuster’s Soul
uhhhh, something something coal...
Fairytale of New York falls under the “Christmas but drugs” category, right?
And I think it’s time to introduce Floyd the non-denominational wintertime holiday Marmot to the masses.
Yes. Whether it's alcohol or heroin is a decision best left to the listener.
1. "Grandma gut run over by a reindeer" = the drug one
2. There really needs to be a "This is Christmas in a Hardware Store" because it seems like that's every middle-aged man (and I) always end up every Christmas. "All I want for Christmas Is A Grill That Works" or "Have Yourself Some Merry High-Density Air Filters" are possible ideas.
"Shopping Around For A Christmas Tree/At Home Depot's Bargain Lot" - sung to Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Suggested lyric, "How can it be Christmas, it's still fucking March?"
Also, you missed a golden opportunity to invent "real" reindeer by throwing out names of fomer Cincinnati players. She would totally buy that there is a reindeer named Munchie.
MARDY THE GLUE-HANDED RECEIVER / CAUGHT SO MANY TD PASSES
trapped inside a video game christmas song in the style of video game music
TRON: NATIVITY
We should take a foreign tradition and Americanize it, since that’s what we do with everything else. I propose the Catalonian tradition of Caga Tío, a log that you beat with sticks until it shits candy.
Nora Jones has a primer:
https://youtu.be/o18kwRheh9Y
Scott has heard my rant about "trendy" animals marketed toward kids a lot. So, to maximize profit, I think the song should be about one of the following:
1) unicorn or narwhal - lots of puns here with HORNS
2) llama
3) flamingo
4) sloth
5) CORGI
see this is why you're the one who keeps us in business, always seeing those extra angles
A narwhal repeatedly writing to Santa because they want to be a unicorn, and at the end Santa writes back saying you've been a unicorn this whole time is such a bonkers song concept that I'm amazed it doesn't exist.
It's also basically Eminem's "Stan" but for kids.
Otters! Everyone loves otters, they should totally be added to the Christmas Animal Canon
Terrific animal, but let's not sleep on Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas.
This would make a great animated/claymation Christmas special. Everything is off because there isn't enough Christmas spirit so Emmet Otter has to get the band back together and come up with a new song. Just follow the plot of The Blues Brothers, you can have Emmet repeatedly saying, "We're on a mission from God (or Santa)." Think of the merchandising tie-ins and yearly re-airings.
It's entirely possible I'm misreading your comment, so apologies if you know this, but to be clear, Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas is a real Christmas special: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emmet_Otter%27s_Jug-Band_Christmas
My fault, I didn't really type that out as well as I should have. I was aware that it was a real thing. I somehow mis-remembered it being a Disney property and not a Muppets property. Probably because I misremembered Chester Otterton's last name from Zootopia and thought they were related.
My idea was more of a sequel to the original and basically following the "getting the band back together" plot from the Blues Brothers. But in this case it would be to save Christmas. They could duplicate the over-the-top chase scene but instead of cop cars, they are running from Amazon delivery drones. A whole spirit of the season vs the just buying lots of stuff theme.
Oh yes I like this a lot
Riverbottom Nightmare Band has pivoted to dubstep.
And now I know what was missing throughout my childhood...
The kids love the superheroes, so let's work with that.
1) Jesus- Original Avenger
2) The star the wise men followed was Loki's spaceship
3) We're sad because the sequel to this story may never come, though devout fans believe that Jesus 2: He Will Rise Again will be released someday
4) It's 3rd wave ska
5) I think "Bible is now MCU canon" counts as a 60's drug conclusion under the Royal Guardsmen Postulate
6) Gimme that frankincense, babyyyyy (also, it's what gives the baby Jesus his powers, every origin story needs a good "but I don't have enough [RESOURCE THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A REAL THING] to fight!")
7) We may have painted ourselves into a corner with the genre, but I'm going with Mighty Mighty Bosstones feat. Gwen Stefani
This is the second mention of ska and as a shameless ska-enjoyer, I think that's the answer