What Dads Really Want
The ACBN knows, and is here to help.
What do Dads want?
It’s a question that’s vexed scientists and philosophers since time immemorial. Dads are strange, unknowable creatures, and private industry has fared no better than academia in accurately assessing their desires.
Each June, our greeting card aisles and email inboxes fill with a flood of images of neckties, fishing poles and beer cans, images that suggest we have almost no idea who these people are or what makes them tick.
That can’t be all Dads are about, now, can it?
Fret not. The Action Cookbook Newsletter is here to crack the case.
[Willem Dafoe in Spider-Man voice] You know, I’m something of a Dad myself.
Yes, I have special insight into what makes Dads tick—including the things they’d actually like to receive as gifts this Father’s Day or on any subsequent gift-giving holiday—and I’m here to help you out today. This is an exercise I’ve done before here—you can review some of my earlier suggestions in the 2022 edition of this guide:
Of course, I made sure not to repeat myself in this year’s edition: I’ve got a whole fresh slate of ideas for the Dad in your life.
Let’s review, hmm?
Dads want a kitchen device that only does one thing
They’re conflicted about this, of course. Many of today’s Dads first developed a love of cooking while watching episodes of Good Eats, Alton Brown’s science-first culinary show. Brown famously railed against kitchen “uni-taskers”, devices that took up space while only having one very specific use.
There’s certainly some wisdom behind this—maybe you don’t need a countertop donut-making machine—but I’ve got a drawer full of things in my kitchen that make me happy for how wonderfully-suited they are to a single task.
OXO 3-in-1 Avocado Slicer
With edges for cutting, pitting, and scooping/slicing, this all-in-one utensil the perfectly-engineered multitool for the Millennial Dad in your life who loves avocado toast, but makes it at home so that he can still afford a house.
Danish Dough Whisk
Secretly not a unitasker—I bought this wide-and-sturdy whisk for mixing bread dough, but I’ve found it’s pretty much the perfect tool for mixing anything firmer than pancake better. It’s ideal for working together a meatloaf or meatball mixture, like these Banh Mi Meatballs I made a few months ago:
OXO Cherry and Olive Pitter
I don’t eat a ton of cherries, but there’s always that one moment a year when the really good ones come into season and I risk going out like Zachary Taylor.
I bought one of these bad boys to assist in preparing a Cherry Bounce—an extremely Dad project that involves infusing your own liquor using a Revolutionary-War-era recipe—and it made the process of pitting several pounds of cherries both smooth and fun.
As a bonus, it’s a device that—thanks to the risk of spraying cherry juice—allows you to say “stand back” to any curious onlookers.
(Dads love telling you to stand back.)
Infrared Thermometer Gun
It’s good for grilling on a flat top, good for checking the temperature of a pizza stone or outdoor pizza oven, and it’s especially good for pointing at yourself, checking the readout, and saying “yep, it says I’m hot” in an update of the classic Dad stud-finder joke that everyone will love.
Two-Handled Mezzaluna Knife
This isn’t a unitasker—it’s actually got tons of uses—but it’s also got no use-case that it can lay sole claim to. That is to say, there’s nothing I can do with this curved, two-handled knife that I can’t do with the many other knives in my kitchen.
That said, I bought one of these on a trip to venerable Parisian kitchen supply store E. Dehillerin last summer, and it delights me every time I use it. Sure, I can chop vegetables finely with other knives, but it’s fun to do it with this one.
(It’s also really effective at the task.)
Dads want to turn a hotel room into a meat locker
They don’t make you pay the electric bill when you stay in a hotel room, and that means that thermostat’s going down to 64 degrees the second I step inside.
Dads want to go up on the roof
Okay, maybe they don’t want to go up on the roof, but it sure seems like they’re having to go up there a lot. That dang maple tree keeps dropping branches on the roof. The kids’ Stomp Rockets ended up there. A big wind picked up the patio umbrella and deposited it on the ridge of the house.1
Dads need a good ladder. But where’s there room in the garage for one, what with all of these kids’ bikes and whatnot?
That’s where this collapsible ladder—one I have personally used many times to retrieve Stomp Rockets and/or patio umbrellas—is ideal. It collapses down to the size of a lawn chair, but easily extends in seconds.
You know, now that I’m up here, it’s actually pretty nice?
It’s quiet.
Dads want to talk to you at length about James A. Garfield when you just asked a simple question only tangentially related to him
Did you know that Garfield—mortally wounded by a bullet fired by delusional office-seeker Charles Guiteau shortly after taking office in July 1881—would’ve been saved by advances in medicine and germ theory that happened just a few years after his death?
Did you know that some historians believe that if his doctors had simply done nothing at all—bandaged him up and left him alone rather than repeatedly poking their unwashed hands into his bullet wound—he likely would’ve survived?
Did you know that you were going to get a fifteen-minute soliloquy about the gruesome death of America’s 20th president when you asked a simple question about how doctors clean their knives?
Dads want to read a book if they could ever get some dang peace and quiet around this house
I love a Dad Book. I don’t necessarily seek them out—at least not consciously—but it seems that the books I gravitate to often naturally fit into this category. I’ve suggested hundreds of books here over the years—nearly all of which can be found at my Bookshop page—but I thought I’d highlight a few especially-Dad-adjacent ones here:
The River by Peter Heller
This book isn’t necessarily short, at 272 pages, but it’s a read-it-in-one-sitting type of book nonetheless. It’s the kind of outdoors adventure that Heller excels in: two old friends take a canoe trip in Northern Canada, only to find themselves boxed in by an approaching wildfire and the presence of a potential killer in the woods. It’s thrilling, but also grounded—Heller’s got real experience as an outdoorsman, and every detail, every piece of equipment, every physical action in the world his characters inhabit also makes real-world sense. That’s rare!
Destiny of the Republic: A Tale of Madness, Medicine and the Murder of a President by Candice Millard
I’ve already made clear I’m obsessed with the assassination of James A. Garfield. Read this book, and you—or the Dad you give it to—will be, too.
Five Decembers by James Kestrel
Don’t let the grocery-store-checkout-aisle-bodice-ripper-romance-novel cover throw you off (Hard Case publishing just seems to do that?)—that’s not what this book is.
No, it’s an epic adventure set during World War II, where a Honolulu police detective who’s traveled to Hong Kong investigating a murder ends up trapped behind enemy lines after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. It’s both gripping and heartbreaking, and I loved it.
Why We Love Baseball: A History in 50 Moments by Joe Posnanski
I’m a big fan of Posnanski’s baseball writing, and his earlier book The Baseball 100 is an essential tome. Where that book is a 900-page behemoth, this one’s a little more digestible. It’s a a recounting of great moments in baseball history from the momentous—like Willie May’s famous catch in the 1954 World Series—to the infamous (like the Pine Tar Incident).
It’s a great book for reading ten minutes at a time, which is ideal when the kids keep interrupting asking for snacks.
A History of Basketball In 15 Sneakers by Russ Bengston
Got a kicks-obsessed Dad in your life? This entertaining and informative book by the former SLAM magazine editor walks us through the sport’s history through its shoes, all the way from James Naismith’s peach basket to the present day.
Dads want to know why you don’t have your shoes on already
I told you we were leaving fifteen minutes ago!
Dads want proper illumination and maybe to pretend that they’re Cyclops from the X-Men for a few minutes when no one’s looking
This one is going to feel like a sponsored recommendation, but it’s not—nothing in here was included at the behest of anyone but myself. I did buy this product off a targeted ad on Instagram several years ago, but what can I say? Those microphones had me dead to rights.
It’s the NightBuddy 230-degree headlamp, an unobtrusive headband with a flexible LED across the front, a product that provides great illumination but folds up small enough to fit in your pocket. (I keep mine in my work bag all the time.)
Now, granted, I bought this product with the intention of using it for early-morning runs, and I’ve hardly used it for that purpose at all. I have used it a ton, but it’s been for tending the smoker overnight, doing above-ceiling inspections on construction sites (it will adjust out to fit over a hard hat) and for investigating what that weird noise is in the yard. Isn’t that even more Dad, really?
(The noise turned out to be that the dog had a possum cornered.)
Dads want to make a specific case for one guy who they think absolutely should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame
Okay, here’s the thing: I know what’s working against Kenny Lofton’s Cooperstown case.
He had a long career, but the back end of it branded him as more of a journeyman outfielder than a Hall of Fame-caliber player. He played for nine teams over the final six seasons of his career, and while that makes him absolutely invaluable when playing Immaculate Grid, it’s also the kind of wandering that detracts from an overall resume in voters’ eyes.
For most of the ‘90s, though, he was one of the best players on one of the best teams in the league—the premier leadoff hitter in the game, a five-time stolen-base champion and multiple Gold Glove-winning centerfielder prone to making truly spectacular plays like the time he went three feet over the outfield fence at Jacobs Field to rob Baltimore’s BJ Surhoff of a certain home run:
Also, his counting stats—2,428 hits, 622 stolen bases, 68.4 bWAR—are entirely in bounds for a HOF inductee.
Dads want you to put Kenny in!
Dads want to put a little extra zing on this
I have learned, over a decade and a half of cooking for my wife and eight-plus years of cooking for children, to temper the amount of spice that I put in my dishes. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to give myself heartburn, and that’s where I find it handy to have a fridge door full of interesting hot sauces to turn up my plate.
A few favorites:
Humble House, (multiple kinds)
I could put their Ancho & Morita sauce on anything, but the Habanero & Aji Amarillo or Guajillo & Red Jalapeno sauces are killer too.
Secret Aardvark Habanero Hot Sauce
The Humble House Habanero above is actually relatively mild, given the pepper’s typical strength. This one isn’t—it’s a scorcher, but in a delicious way.
Heartbeat Dill Pickle Serrano Hot Sauce
It’s hot sauce that tastes exactly like a dill pickle. It would be the perfect way to poison me, because I love those things so much that I would keep eating it without noticing that I was dying.
Kentuxican Bourbon Hot Sauce
Here in Louisville, the Krogers have a small display of “Kentucky Proud” local products, and it should probably go without saying that many of these are somehow bourbon-based. I picked up this one on a whim, though, and it’s really good—hot but not overpowering, and genuinely flavorful.
Marie Sharp’s Mango Habanero Sauce
I picked this two-pack of sauces off a reader suggestion during a discussion of hot sauces a while back, and it was an absolute hit.
Speaking of which, there’s even more recommendations in that post, and in the comments below it:
Man, this newsletter has everything, huh?
Dads want to maximize the number of gallons of gas they’re putting in the tank when they’ve maxed out their fuel points for the month
Last week I rolled in to Kroger with my dashboard display showing that I had seven miles of gas left. It wasn’t that I’d forgotten to fill up—I just wanted to make the absolute most of the $1.00 in fuel points I was sitting on. I briefly considered pushing to the Kroger that was four miles further down the road.
[Heath Ledger Joker voice] It’s not about money. It’s about sending a message.
Dads want to get a few emails each week that aren’t inquiring about their extended warranty
The internet isn’t what it once was, friends.
Remember visiting websites? There used to be good websites, ones you could visit each day and read things you wanted to read by writers that you enjoyed reading. Now, all we’ve got is an AI-polluted wasteland of recycled content and intrusive ads.
[infomercial voiceover voice] There’s got to be a better way!
Help the Dad in your life re-live the good old days of the internet (I think it’s like, 2007?) with a gift subscription to The Action Cookbook Newsletter, a place where he can read fun things, discover new recipes, and find all sorts of things to make his life better without anyone asking him to sign up for an online betting account.
If you’re new here—maybe this email was forwarded to you?—then know that in addition to sharing recipes, cocktails and entertainment recommendations, I do a lot of essay writing that some readers have lovingly termed “emotional terrorism”.
Like this one! It’s good. )
(They’re all good, IMO.)
Dads want to stay absolutely committed to a bit no matter how long ago it has run its course
Periodically, I will be driving on the highway with my family, and I will see an RV towing a car or truck behind it. Every time—and I mean every time—I will remark with casual concern “geez, he’s really ridin’ that guy’s bumper over there!”.
It has not made anyone else laugh for years, but it makes me laugh every time.
Dads want power
Listen, it’s possible that the Dad you’re shopping for already has a portable device-charging solution. Frankly, I’d be a little disappointed in him if he doesn’t. But it’s impossible to have too many device-charging solutions, what in these modern times we live in, and so it’s hard to go wrong with a big ol’ Anker Power Bank.
Sure, it can be used to charge said Dad’s own devices—a cell phone, a tablet, a portable LED headlamp—but more than that, it’s to charge everyone else’s devices. There’s a sense of power and pride that Dads derive from stepping in when someone’s tablet goes dead on a long car ride, or when the power goes out at home and the kids need to be distracted by a Nintendo Switch so they don’t think about the storm outside. They were prepared where you weren’t, and that makes them happy.
It’s the 21st-century equivalent of having a really nice cigarette lighter at the ready for when someone needs a light, and Dads love filling that role.
Dads just want to stare at a river
Sure, I included this in the previous version of this gift guide, but it’s no less true now than it was then. Sometimes Dads just need to stare at a river and think.
What are we thinking about?
Rivers, mostly.
—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)
This one actually happened to me.
Classic photo. "Olaf and the Possum" is right up there with "Holly and the Horse".
It is quiet on the roof though.