What To Get Everyone Else In Your Life

The ACBN is back with the most specific gift guide on the internet

Nov 27, 2023

Folks, it’s Cyber Monday.

As we all know, Cyber Monday commemorates the date in 1841 when scientist and inventor Wyckliffe Schermerhorn Cyber pioneered a new form of electronic communication, telegraphing the the message “what r u wearing" to Gwyndolith Constance, a woman with whom he was acquainted.

19th-century woodcut depicting W.S. Cyber as he taps out an unsolicited description of his anatomy in Morse Code

Of course, Cyber was killed the next day in a duel with Constance’s enraged fiancee, Humphrey Von Dyck, but his legacy has lived on, with countless millions of people “Cybering” in the generations hence. In 1895, Grover Cleveland declared the first Monday after the fourth Thursday in November to be a national holiday commemorating the landmark moment in human communications, and we’ve celebrated it ever since.

Every holiday eventually strays from its original meaning, though, and in recent years, “Cyber Monday” has become a major retail holiday, too. Coming as it does on the heels of Black Friday and the unofficial kickoff of the Christmas shopping season, Cyber Monday is now a time when many online retailers bombard customers with unsolicited propositions not unlike the one that led to Cyber’s untimely death.

Surely you already know this, though, as your inbox fills this morning with Deals and Offers and Sales.

You’re probably also seeing a lot of gift guides—well-meaning articles with suggestions to help you wade through all those Deals and Offers and find the perfect gift for everyone in your life, from The Dad Who’s Made Pizza Twice and Is Talking About How He Should Open a Pizzeria to The 10-Year-Old Whose Dangerous Energy Needs To Be Channeled Into a Creative Pursuit Before It’s Too Late to the Grown Child Who Has Dogs Instead of Grandkids And You’re Fine With That, Really, You Are.

Those guides are great! There’s plenty of good ideas in them.

Problem is, broad archetypes like those simply don’t cover everyone that you might need to shop for.

Fortunately, you’ve got The Action Cookbook Newsletter to fill the gaps.

Above all, I believe in service journalism, and so I’m here with a guide to finding the perfect gift for everyone else in your life—no matter how specific.

Let’s take a look, why don’t we?

The Scientist Who Returned From a Mission Strangely Different

It’s a classic scenario. \

Your loved one—a field biologist—got the rare opportunity to explore a previously-undiscovered system of underwater caves exposed by a recent drought. They went away for a month, and when they came back, something was different in their eyes. Sure, they had interesting pictures and specimens and observations, but as they recounted their journey, you could see a distance in their stare, a hollowness to their gaze that wasn’t there before.

One night, you found them sitting in the darkened kitchen, perfectly still, staring out the window. They didn’t react when you came in—didn’t seem to notice your presence at all. You looked out the window, and saw nothing. When you looked into their eyes, though, you couldn’t believe what you saw. Their irises were aglow, swirling through a kaleidoscopic arrangement of colors.

You put a hand on their shoulder, and suddenly they snapped awake—perfectly fine, as though nothing had happened. They murmured something about having fallen asleep, and excused themself as they headed off to bed, giving you a kiss on the cheek as they departed. After they left, you turned on the light, and that’s when you saw the table—it was now covered in a strange handwritten script, inscrutable symbols and characters and pictograms that meant nothing to you yet still conveyed a terrifying sense of urgency.

Urgency about what, though?

Gift Idea:

You can’t have them writing all over the kitchen table like that! Why not surprise them with a year-long subscription to Field Notes brand journals? They’ll love the bespoke covers, and their terrifying message about the fate of humanity will fit nicely in any bag!

The Bird That You Suspect Is Your Colleague Who Disappeared Under Mysterious Circumstances

Working at the Reporter-Gazette doesn’t pay great, but what media job does these days? If it were about the money, you wouldn’t have gone into journalism school in the first place. What mattered was that you were making a difference—and it sure helped to share a desk with a reporter like David.

David was sharp, dogged, insightful—he was able to connect the dots in a story three steps before anyone else could, see the forest for the trees in a way you simply couldn’t.

You’d worked together on a number of investigations in the last three years—rooting out corruption in the statehouse, exposing corporate malfeasance and protecting the public interest. You won several awards for your work together, but deep down, you always felt like David was being charitable in letting you share his byline. You could pound the pavement, knock on doors and take down quotes, but you simply couldn’t see the whole story the way he could.

One day, he seemed to be in a hurry. He made passing mention of a big story he was working on—he was going to loop you in when the time came, but it was too soon right now. He was meeting with a source that evening, and couldn’t spook them by bringing anyone else in just yet.

When he didn’t show up for the staff meeting the next morning, you knew immediately that something was wrong. He was never late for those, and surely would’ve texted if there was some reason he couldn’t attend.

You went out looking for him, but there was no trace—not at his apartment, not at the statehouse, not at Flanagan’s, the bar he often used for clandestine meetings with sources. You filed a missing-persons report, but without any evidence of wrongdoing, there wasn’t much the police could do to help—though, given David’s deep-dive investigation into overtime abuse in the department last year, you suspected they wouldn’t be terribly motivated to help even if they could.

A few weeks later, you were eating lunch in the park, and a bird landed on the armrest of the bench. It was a cardinal. It chirped, but not in hunger—instead, it seemed to be trying to talk to you. You stared at it for a long time, and it back at you, and then it flew off.

The next day, the bird returned. This time, it had something in its beak—a toothpick, just like David often chewed on after he’d quit smoking.

That was when you knew.

Each day, the bird returned with something new—an object, a scrap of paper, a shred of fabric. It—David?—was trying to communicate something to you, but you couldn’t yet figure out what.

Then one day, it appeared with a photo, neatly pecked out from that day’s Reporter-Gazette. It was of the State House Speaker, a frequent target of David’s investigations.

He’d been working on something big, alright—and now it was your turn to crack the story.

Gift Idea:

You can’t show up to the same park bench every day. First of all, David’s powerful enemies might spot you, but second—you might start to be known as That Weird Bird Guy! Instead, why not get David a BirdBuddy Smart Bird Feeder With Camera? You can continue your clandestine investigation securely, and he can feast on nutritious nuts and seeds!

The World’s Greatest Jewel Thief, Who’s Come out of Retirement For One Last Big Score

Billy Five-Fingers was a legend among thieves—revered as much by his victims as by the criminal community that he loomed large over for years. “The Pincher Prince”, they called him, and he’d pulled heists everywhere—Paris, Venice, Tokyo, Dubai.

It was almost a point of honor among the super-rich to be burglarized by Billy; if you hadn’t been on the business end of one of his heists, did you even have anything worth stealing?

For three decades, he’d evaded law enforcement and private investigators alike, always slipping away just as the noose seemed to close on him. Finally, he announced that he’d be retiring, after pulling off an audacious heist in which he stole jewels from Queen Elizabeth II’s crown while she was wearing it.

He disappeared, seemingly content to live out his days in quiet luxury.

That was, until the Comte d’Urquess appeared at his door.

A powerful, wealthy and vindictive man, the Comte was a claimant to a defunct European throne and owner of numerous industrial concerns. He’d suffered one of Billy’s heists a decade prior, when the Tigress of Colombo diamond disappeared from his fortified mansion. He’d sworn revenge, and now here he stood on Billy’s doorstep. Anyone in this situation would’ve expected him to kill Billy on the spot—that’s what Billy expected, for sure.

The Comte offered him a deal instead.

One last big heist—his greatest yet, more than some silly pickpocketing of a geriatric royal. The Comte was throwing a grand ball, and all of his greatest rivals would be there. Billy’s job was to rob them all… or die trying.

Gift Idea:

Billy’s going to spend 11 hours hidden inside the false bottom of a dessert cart, and that can be hell on one’s circulation. Surprise Billy with a pair of these merino wool compression socks—they’re attractive and functional!

The Antique Robot You Built From That Kit You Bought at the Mysterious Toy Shop That Then Gained Sentience

It can be hard to know what kind of gift to get kids these days.

On a business trip last year, you’d passed a fascinating little antique toy shop. It was a strange, dusty place full of curios and curiosities, toys you’d never seen anywhere else. You wandered the aisles in delight and wonder, and then your eyes fell on it—a brightly-labeled box, decades old but in mint condition.

BUILD YOUR OWN ROBOT!

Well, this sounded like a hoot. Surely your child would enjoy working on this together! You bought it from the mysterious shopkeeper, brought it home, and wrapped it for their birthday.

When they opened it, they expressed gratitude, but quickly ignored it in favor of a new video game. It sat on their shelf for months, and despite your reminders, they never wanted to work on it. Nearly a year later, cleaning up their room, you spotted the box and decided to move it to the garage to put away. As you went to place it on a high shelf, though, you had a sudden notion—you’d just build it yourself.

The parts were all metal—they don’t make ‘em like this any more, you thought—and were in pristine condition despite their age. You worked into the wee hours of the night, clicking tiny components together, and when you took the final step—placing a crystal that would supposedly power the robot—its eyes lit up.

“Hello,” it said. “I am 100.”

The engineering was impressive—wasn’t this thing like fifty years old?

The robot sat up on the workbench, blinked several times, looked around the room, and then at you.

“Why am I here?”

That’s when you realized this wasn’t ahead-of-its-time engineering; this robot was alive.

You hid it from your family—for their protection, but for the robot’s, as well. Each night, you’d slink out to the garage to talk to it. It was full of information, facts and figures, knowledge about the world—but it had questions, too. Deep questions, ones you couldn’t answer about the nature of existence itself.

The robot was discovering the agony of becoming human.

Gift Idea:

Don’t we all struggle with the pain of human awareness? That sentient robot could surely benefit from a year-long subscription to the Headspace meditation app!

The Chef Who Discovered That Their Food Could Predict Diners’ Futures

Working in a restaurant kitchen had always been their dream. Dreams don’t always pan out like one imagines them, though.

After culinary school, they’d risen to the rank of sous-chef in a Michelin-starred restaurant, the kind of place diners wait months to eat at. The prestige was incredible, but so was the pressure—and after another head-spinning dinner shift, they realized they’d have to quit before the job killed them.

They headed back home, toque in hand, and felt like they’d failed everyone who ever believed in them. They couldn’t shake their love of cooking, though, and decided to open a small storefront restaurant making their grandmother’s recipes.

Business wasn’t great.

Then, one day, a customer came in and ordered a bowl of soup. As they prepared it, the customer opened up to them, venting about a big decision that loomed over their head. The chef nodded along sympathetically, and placed the soup in front of them.

As the customer looked down to tuck into the soup, they dropped their spoon in shock. They hurriedly paid and rushed out, much to the chef’s bafflement.

A few weeks later, the customer returned with an explanation. The moment they’d looked into that bowl of noodle soup, they’d seen it—a vision of their own future. They’d known exactly what they needed to do, and it had turned out just as they’d seen.

Word spread quickly, and suddenly there were lines around the block, full of customers anxious to try the soup that could tell their future.

It sounded like a dream, but it was also a curse, the chef realized. The soup might be able to show one their future, but there were no guarantees that they’d like what they’d see. Some customers would break down sobbing the second they looked into their bowl, and others would lash out in anger, unable to accept the fate the soup showed.

Gift Idea:

These shatter-proof melamine bowls from Pottery Barn are great for entertaining, and safe even in the hands of an enraged customer who’s just seen their own death foretold in a bowl of Nonna’s minestrone!

Brian From Accounting

He’s really into pickleball. Always talking about how it’s “the fastest-growing sport in America” and trying to use pickleball lingo in meetings.

I bet he’d love these pint glasses with pickles playing pickleball.

You, But From An Alternate Timeline

You’d spent years studying time travel. You researched it from both a physics perspective and a philosophical one, looking for any angle in which it might prove possible.

It wasn’t for the greater good.

It was pure self-interest that motivated you—self-interest and deep regret. You knew now what you’d done wrong that day, knew deep down that if you’d never set foot into that coffee shop that morning, the entire trajectory of your life might’ve played out differently.

Might’ve played out better.

Then, one night, you hit on it. It was as simple as you’d always believed it might be, and suddenly you were there, twenty years earlier. You’d always dreamed of getting a chance to change things, and now that you had that chance, you took it. It was actually quite deft—a subtle misdirection of your prior self, a flap of a butterfly’s wing that kept you from meeting the wrong person, kept you from going down the wrong track, kept you from the place you’d ended up.

When you returned to the present day, you knew immediately that things would be different.

You just didn’t bank on how different they’d be.

You looked up your address—it wasn’t the shabby apartment above a bowling alley that you’d been in. No, it was a really nice address, a big place in the fancy part of town. You hurried there—ready to head home to your new, better life.

That’s when you saw them.

That’s when you saw yourself.

You had created a new timeline, it turned out—one in which a better version of you existed. You hadn’t expected it to be a separate you, though. There they were, getting out of their nice car and heading into their lovely home. They looked just like you, but… well, better. Fitter. Younger-looking. Better-dressed, clearly much wealthier, and seemingly happier.

What are you to do?

Do you approach them? Do you try to talk to them and explain what happened? Do you attempt to go back in time again and undo the schism? Do you let them be, comforted in the knowledge that some better version of you exists out there, living your best life?

Or do you try to take it from them?

Gift Idea:

What do you get for the you who has everything?

The LEGO Titanic set, of course. You know they’ll love it—because you sure would—and they’ll be distracted by it long enough for you to do whatever it is that you need to do.