You know what this town needs?
A thorough checklist for town planning
Recently, I saw a post on social media.
It was a picture of a quaint New England town in the fall—whitewashed buildings, rolling hills, the whole nine yards. An idyllic scene of pastoral bliss, and—on the surface—nothing to object to.
Of course, something smelled wrong.
The account that posted the photo cited it as “the perfect community”, referencing the interplay of houses, church, cemeteries and so on.
Now, as someone who’s spent a lot of time wading around in the various brackish swamps and muddy fens of the internet, this set off immediate alarm bells. Their descriptions of just how it was “perfect”—seemingly-innocuous phrases like “remember the past” and “local economy” and “everyone knows each other” are all things that are hard to object to on the surface, but when deployed in concert and in context on social media strongly suggest the politics of 1930s Germany.
(The irony, of course, is that the actual town they pictured was Strafford, Vermont, a place that I am comfortable in assuming does not come close to aligning with their worldview.)
Anyways. That’s not what I’m here to talk about today.
The post closed with a question: “What would you add?”
As a design professional and visionary urban theorist, I have some thoughts.
What does the perfect town need?
A famous tree with an anachronistic backstory
Ideally, a massive, stately oak, but I’m willing to bend on the specific kind of tree.
It should be in the center of town, and have a name like “Ol’ Hiram” or “General Grant”. The tree should also have some mythology around it that doesn’t quite add up, like an enduring claim that George Washington planted this tree himself! even though the town wasn’t founded until 1853.
A nice, well-lit parking lot for the goth teens to hang out in
They’re not hurting anybody, and they’re having a nice time.
Let them have a place to hang out on Friday night and smoke clove cigarettes. They’re always very good about putting them in the ashtray.
A “death spot” restaurant that persistently turns over every 6-18 months
You’d think this is a bad thing, but no—it’s a conversation piece. Did you hear that Potato Heaven closed? Ahh, well, I got a cold potato once there—good riddance. I heard that Pasta Safari is coming in next. They have one of those down in Millersville, I liked it. We could use one of those.
Every time something closes in it, someone will suggest that a Trader Joe’s is coming. The Trader Joe’s will never come, but communities thrive on hope for the future. The death spot allows people to dream.
A restaurant that stays in business forever, despite no one you know ever having gone there
[whispers] I heard it’s a mob front
It’s not. They just own the building and have a nice catering business on the side.
One of those rocket-shaped playground slides from the 1980s
I just think they’re neat!
Also, they help kids aspire to be astronauts and learn about the dangers of exposed metal on sunny days.
A famous squirrel
It doesn’t have to be a squirrel. It might be a swan or a raccoon or (depending on latitude) a moose. What matters is that you have an impish, charismatic and mildly destructive local animal that occasionally scares visitors. When they tell people that they were attacked by a squirrel while looking at the famous oak tree, the locals can chuckle knowingly and say “oh, that’s just Willie Walnuts”.
An ornate house from the late 19th century that’s rumored to have been a brothel, or maybe a bootlegging operation
It wasn’t, but it’s fun to think it was. The mere suggestion of vice gets high school students interested in studying history.
A statue with alleged magical powers
Legend has it that the statue of Brigadier General Heston Bumbercatch in front of the court house will fire his cannon if ever a child who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus walks past!
A massive fireworks store on the edge of town that’s only open three days a year
You never understood how their business model was viable until you finally went in and realized how much people are willing to spend on fireworks.
A restaurant, bar or coffee shop with a sign making a claim that is at once too modest and too ambitious
Something like “Coldest beer in Southwest Ohio!” or “Reddest hot dogs in Nebraska!”
A long, steep and winding road that can be the venue for an unsanctioned rollerblade race that becomes necessary for restoring order after a laid-back new kid from California moves in and upsets the delicate ecosystem of high school hockey rivalries
Okay, this is just the plot of Airborne (1993).
But it’s also a good thing for your town to have.
A Waffle House
Call me old-fashioned, but if I can’t get a hashbrown bowl at 2am, I don’t want to live in your town.
That’s my list. What else would you add?
—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)
I have been reminded by a text from a friend that I left out "a body of water to stare at", in keeping with the elemental needs of Dads and Dad-like folks everywhere: https://actioncookbook.substack.com/p/whatdadswant
A workforce comprised of animals doing jobs that are easy to explain to small children, and a worm resident who drives an apple car.