I have been reminded by a text from a friend that I left out "a body of water to stare at", in keeping with the elemental needs of Dads and Dad-like folks everywhere: https://actioncookbook.substack.com/p/whatdadswant
A coffeeshop owned by someone who clearly has political views far to the left of the median town citizen but is still beloved by almost everyone because they have a cozy atmosphere and don't dabble too much in frou-frou drinks like the Starbucks in the next town over.
(Shamelessly stolen from my high school town of Waxhaw, NC)
I used to have a picture of it on my phone, but you need to have a business with a weirdly large but surprisingly mobile statue out front. Like a giant blue hippo that somehow only takes three teenagers to lift into the back of a Chevy pickup that can be playfully stolen for homecoming or games between rival in-town schools.
A couple of nights ago here in Ottawa a bunch of teens walked of with a giant inflatable dragon statue in Chinatown. They used it for their purposes, one assumes, and returned it two days later. This is an international phenomenon. A security camera captured the event.
funny you mention the famous squirrel, because Bensalem has a famous turkey named Ben. the kids and I always are on the lookout for him whenever we go visit my brother (who lives there)
anyway, my perfect town has:
- A gigantic tree that speaks in Olde English and has a moustache in the center
- several wooden children with leaf masks
- a pedestal where an evil-vanquishing sword rests
- bioluminescent peapods hanging around the perimeter
- magically misty outskirts that make it impenetrable to most outsiders
The X Capital of Y, is one of my favourite things. "The Maple Syrup Capital of Vermont", "The Lilac Capital of Ontario", so forth. I used to have a "Capital of..." photograph collection. My favourite is "The Green-lipped Mussel Capital of New Zealand". (Google it if you don't believe me.) Forget red hot dogs or cold beer. Your quaint town needs a tagline like this.
There’s a big sign on the approach to the Lincoln Tunnel as you head into New York City declaring Union City, NJ as the “Embroidery Capital of the United States”
You need an inexplicably anachronistic business like the video rental place we have. How is it still open? Do you know anyone who goes there? Have you ever seen any customers? Yet somehow they're open every day!
You also need one parcel of commercial land upon which nothing is ever built except rumors. These rumors should make no sense at all, like how ALDI is going to take over an abandoned grocery store with dodgy freezers, or how in a town of 5,000 people that already has five fast food burger places, we're totally getting a Wendy's.
One of the downsides of having a spouse work in a police lab is that you quickly learn which things are actually massive drug fronts. (Granted, the number of bodies that appear on their back stoop should have been a hint)
Anyway, a good town also needs:
- a possibly abandoned or merely unkempt house that is absolutely haunted according to everyone under the age of 17
- a person that works at a local playground/rec center that has been doing so for eons. They were old when your grandparents went there. No one can explain how they’re still there
- a good creek for children to jump/fall into at inopportune times
- an intersection so poorly designed that it had to have been intentional
- a building that ruins the local aesthetic
- a part of town that, no matter how rich you are, you will never be able to live in. Conversely, a part of town that, no matter how down on your luck you may be, it is still lower than whatever your standard is
Related to that second one, our town has a beloved local ice cream truck that has been driven by the same guy since 1983. Well, there are actually two now; his daughter drives the other one. They know exactly when the fields change over for every rec soccer league in town and when the mandatory rest breaks are at the neighborhood pools. And they're still the sort of folks who will spot a kid a snow cone if they forgot to bring their money to the pool because they know they'll get paid tomorrow.
1. Seasonal soft-serve place where the ice cream/ice cream-adjacent treats are fine but nothing special, but everyone goes because the vibes are right and it's a reminder that summer is fleeting and should be enjoyed to the fullest.
2. A bar that's never too crowded, never too loud, but steadily busy enough that it can stay open, and where you can reliably find someone you know/a municipal official if you just don't want to drink alone. (Yes, basically Cheers, but I think every great town has a bar like this)
3. A second bar that gets mobbed the Wednesday before every Thanksgiving when all the college kids are back visiting and/or is always loud/too crowded and probably serving some 18-20 year olds but the cops aren't that concerned because the drinks are watered down and none of the drinking kids are driving home.
4. An Italian restaurant that your family went in high school to celebrate any special occasions.
5. An excellent barbecue pop-up/trailer/shed located directly next to a gas station.
6. A bench located in an ideal spot to enjoy sunset.
RIP to Sarasota's Casa Onesti's (famously serving garlic rolls that were doused in garlic butter and real chunks of garlic on top, as well as hand-rolled gnocci back in the late 1980s/early 1990s when that was a real thing).
It's the perfect north country lake town. There's also a long-time shop that sells nothing but ice cream, homemade fudge, and bulk candy by weight (hundreds of kinds), and every Thursday morning there are turtle races on the side street by the ice cream shop.
A hardware store that has been in business for a long time. It may not have exactly what you need but the proprietor can usually find a part that will work and last longer than the original part.
Town where mom lived was billed as the light capital ... really good street lighting, as in it met the illuminating association standards.
It isn't really a small town in the plains unless it has a drive in, sonic or one that your grandparents went to.
A yearly festival of some sort, with a parade, a carnival where you aren't sure sure you'll live through the ride (including the merry-go-round) and events which mimic a current national theme (ninja course, singing, dancing) but with more "at least they tried" moments.
It felt too exclusionary to add "an annual four-night concert homestand by my personal favorite band" and "a bar with no TVs that serves $6 Wellers" but if you include those then Athens is running away with this like Georgia against TCU
An old school that is rumored to be haunted by the ghost of an irascible former [teacher/principal/janitor/seventh-year senior] from long ago, who [saved kids from a fire/rescued the mayor's dog from a snowstorm/gave all their money to an orphanage] and died prematurely young.
I recognize Mobile in a lot of this, but we have one disqualifying characteristic: we are constantly striving way too hard to be like a bigger place instead of enjoying our market position and its inherent advantages. Being a bit of a try-hard knocks you off the list IMO.
I have been reminded by a text from a friend that I left out "a body of water to stare at", in keeping with the elemental needs of Dads and Dad-like folks everywhere: https://actioncookbook.substack.com/p/whatdadswant
A workforce comprised of animals doing jobs that are easy to explain to small children, and a worm resident who drives an apple car.
Whew! The song blasted through my ears as soon as I finished reading this!
A coffeeshop owned by someone who clearly has political views far to the left of the median town citizen but is still beloved by almost everyone because they have a cozy atmosphere and don't dabble too much in frou-frou drinks like the Starbucks in the next town over.
(Shamelessly stolen from my high school town of Waxhaw, NC)
I used to have a picture of it on my phone, but you need to have a business with a weirdly large but surprisingly mobile statue out front. Like a giant blue hippo that somehow only takes three teenagers to lift into the back of a Chevy pickup that can be playfully stolen for homecoming or games between rival in-town schools.
A couple of nights ago here in Ottawa a bunch of teens walked of with a giant inflatable dragon statue in Chinatown. They used it for their purposes, one assumes, and returned it two days later. This is an international phenomenon. A security camera captured the event.
"walked off" not "of"
funny you mention the famous squirrel, because Bensalem has a famous turkey named Ben. the kids and I always are on the lookout for him whenever we go visit my brother (who lives there)
anyway, my perfect town has:
- A gigantic tree that speaks in Olde English and has a moustache in the center
- several wooden children with leaf masks
- a pedestal where an evil-vanquishing sword rests
- bioluminescent peapods hanging around the perimeter
- magically misty outskirts that make it impenetrable to most outsiders
that's right my perfect town is Deku Forest
The X Capital of Y, is one of my favourite things. "The Maple Syrup Capital of Vermont", "The Lilac Capital of Ontario", so forth. I used to have a "Capital of..." photograph collection. My favourite is "The Green-lipped Mussel Capital of New Zealand". (Google it if you don't believe me.) Forget red hot dogs or cold beer. Your quaint town needs a tagline like this.
There’s a big sign on the approach to the Lincoln Tunnel as you head into New York City declaring Union City, NJ as the “Embroidery Capital of the United States”
Ha! I love it! We need to collect these from your readers.
You need an inexplicably anachronistic business like the video rental place we have. How is it still open? Do you know anyone who goes there? Have you ever seen any customers? Yet somehow they're open every day!
You also need one parcel of commercial land upon which nothing is ever built except rumors. These rumors should make no sense at all, like how ALDI is going to take over an abandoned grocery store with dodgy freezers, or how in a town of 5,000 people that already has five fast food burger places, we're totally getting a Wendy's.
There’s a spot not far from here where that undeveloped parcel is across the street from a large lamp repair shop
Ooh, that's brilliant. That's a much better way to launder money than through mattress stores!
Everyone knows Aldi only takes over old gyms and dilapidated shoe stores.
A university run by a curious group of reclusive fish-human hybrids.
You know, Yale.
HEY
Hey!
How's Innsmouth?
One of the downsides of having a spouse work in a police lab is that you quickly learn which things are actually massive drug fronts. (Granted, the number of bodies that appear on their back stoop should have been a hint)
Anyway, a good town also needs:
- a possibly abandoned or merely unkempt house that is absolutely haunted according to everyone under the age of 17
- a person that works at a local playground/rec center that has been doing so for eons. They were old when your grandparents went there. No one can explain how they’re still there
- a good creek for children to jump/fall into at inopportune times
- an intersection so poorly designed that it had to have been intentional
- a building that ruins the local aesthetic
- a part of town that, no matter how rich you are, you will never be able to live in. Conversely, a part of town that, no matter how down on your luck you may be, it is still lower than whatever your standard is
Related to that second one, our town has a beloved local ice cream truck that has been driven by the same guy since 1983. Well, there are actually two now; his daughter drives the other one. They know exactly when the fields change over for every rec soccer league in town and when the mandatory rest breaks are at the neighborhood pools. And they're still the sort of folks who will spot a kid a snow cone if they forgot to bring their money to the pool because they know they'll get paid tomorrow.
I love these
Monorail/high speed rail rumors. Get that blood pumping. (One day, Athens! One day!)
we WILL build a gondola to Georgetown one of these days
GONDOLA NOW
Obligatory: https://www.amazon.com/ARLnow-Gondola-Now-T-Shirt/dp/B082FBYPRW/
Tired: The Great Society Subway
Wired: The Late Capitalist Gondola
with singing gondoliers?
Is there any other kind?
1. Seasonal soft-serve place where the ice cream/ice cream-adjacent treats are fine but nothing special, but everyone goes because the vibes are right and it's a reminder that summer is fleeting and should be enjoyed to the fullest.
2. A bar that's never too crowded, never too loud, but steadily busy enough that it can stay open, and where you can reliably find someone you know/a municipal official if you just don't want to drink alone. (Yes, basically Cheers, but I think every great town has a bar like this)
3. A second bar that gets mobbed the Wednesday before every Thanksgiving when all the college kids are back visiting and/or is always loud/too crowded and probably serving some 18-20 year olds but the cops aren't that concerned because the drinks are watered down and none of the drinking kids are driving home.
4. An Italian restaurant that your family went in high school to celebrate any special occasions.
5. An excellent barbecue pop-up/trailer/shed located directly next to a gas station.
6. A bench located in an ideal spot to enjoy sunset.
These are perfect, and nodding especially at the Italian restaurant your family went to in high school (shout out to Pasquale's)
RIP to Sarasota's Casa Onesti's (famously serving garlic rolls that were doused in garlic butter and real chunks of garlic on top, as well as hand-rolled gnocci back in the late 1980s/early 1990s when that was a real thing).
"A restaurant, bar or coffee shop with a sign making a claim that is at once too modest and too ambitious"
Like this:
https://www.stubsbattlelake.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/DSC02401.jpg
I love it.
It's the perfect north country lake town. There's also a long-time shop that sells nothing but ice cream, homemade fudge, and bulk candy by weight (hundreds of kinds), and every Thursday morning there are turtle races on the side street by the ice cream shop.
A hardware store that has been in business for a long time. It may not have exactly what you need but the proprietor can usually find a part that will work and last longer than the original part.
Town where mom lived was billed as the light capital ... really good street lighting, as in it met the illuminating association standards.
It isn't really a small town in the plains unless it has a drive in, sonic or one that your grandparents went to.
A yearly festival of some sort, with a parade, a carnival where you aren't sure sure you'll live through the ride (including the merry-go-round) and events which mimic a current national theme (ninja course, singing, dancing) but with more "at least they tried" moments.
This is just Athens.
It felt too exclusionary to add "an annual four-night concert homestand by my personal favorite band" and "a bar with no TVs that serves $6 Wellers" but if you include those then Athens is running away with this like Georgia against TCU
An old school that is rumored to be haunted by the ghost of an irascible former [teacher/principal/janitor/seventh-year senior] from long ago, who [saved kids from a fire/rescued the mayor's dog from a snowstorm/gave all their money to an orphanage] and died prematurely young.
I recognize Mobile in a lot of this, but we have one disqualifying characteristic: we are constantly striving way too hard to be like a bigger place instead of enjoying our market position and its inherent advantages. Being a bit of a try-hard knocks you off the list IMO.