Keep Your Kids Safe This Halloween
Trick or Treat isn't without risk. The ACBN tells you what to be on the lookout for.
Halloween is nearly upon us, and I couldn’t be more excited.
My kids both have their costumes picked out, our neighborhood is decked out in spooky seasonal decorations, and we’ve got a big bowl of candy ready to set out on the porch while we traipse around the neighborhood in search of treats of our own.
Danger lurks in the night, however.
When your kids get home with their haul of sweets Thursday night, how can you be sure that there’s not something much worse than a tummyache or cavities awaiting them?
Thankfully, you subscribe to The Action Cookbook Newsletter, a publication that believes in serious service journalism. Our Consumer Affairs Division has done extensive study on the potential risks present in your Trick-or-Treaters’ bags, and we’re here to tell you what you should be on the lookout for this Halloween.
Let’s review.
Reese’s Cups
They’re an iconic candy. I mean, who doesn’t love them?
They’re chocolate, they’re peanut butter, and they come in a perfectly-pleasing shape.
The perfect shape to conceal danger, that is.
Reese’s Cups are wide, flat and round, making them the perfect hiding place for a miniature saw blade, not unlike the ones hurled by the villainous Metal Man in the 1988 video game Mega Man 2.
They’re a useful weapon in that game—honestly, the first one you should try to pick up—but they’re a trip to the urgent care waiting to happen if your kid bites into one.
Now, is it likely that Dr. Wiley’s hench-robot has gotten into your kid’s candy?
Perhaps not.
But you can’t be too careful these days, what with it being the year 20XX and all.
Best to be safe, and eat these yourself.
Snickers
Another absolutely terrific candy. They’ve got chocolate, caramel, nuts—they’re one of the biggest crowd-pleasers out there.
They’re also incredibly dangerous.
I once watched a documentary where a guy turned into Joe Pesci until he got a Snickers. That’s the kind of thing that can only happen when someone has had the taste of Snickers before and developed a dependency on them.
As a responsible parent, you should try to avoid this.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with being Joe Pesci—he’s a successful and beloved actor who’s made millions over his long Hollywood career. It’s just that we already have one Joe Pesci, and that’s the right amount to have. Having two would just cause arguments, and even though those arguments would be very funny, it’s just not worth the trouble.
Eat the Snickers yourself.
(You’re an adult, and you’re simply too tired to become Joe Pesci now.)
Sour Patch Kids
Okay, well, the risk here is obvious.
These things look a lot like marijuana edibles, and there’s a small but real risk that someone got mixed up and gave those out instead of regular Sour Patch Kids.
You should eat these yourself, and maybe turn out the lights and put on a little Pink Floyd while you do.
Best case scenario, you have a lovely evening.
Worst case scenario, you save your kids and have a lovely evening.
Starburst
Taste the rainbow!
These chewy, fruity candies are a perennial favorite—and a popular snack to dole out by the handful to eager Trick or Treaters.
There’s danger hiding in plain sight here, though.
Take a look at this image of an unwrapped Starburst I found on Google Image Search.
At first glance, sure—that’s just a Starburst.
On the other hand, I’ve seen Die Hard a bunch of times, and there’s a chance that that’s actually a tiny amount of plastic explosives that a suave international terrorist was planning to use in executing a dramatic heist on a corporation’s vaults this Christmas. Now that it’s fallen into your hands, they’re going to come looking for it, and you know your kids can’t keep a secret.
You should eat these quickly in order to save them, yourself, and the fine people of the Nakatomi Corporation.
It’s the heroic thing to do.
Twix
This might be my favorite candy on the whole list here. They’re crunchy, they’re chewy, and they come in pairs!
Unfortunately, if there’s one thing we all understand about twins, it’s that one of them is always evil. (If you’re a twin, don’t be offended: I’m obviously talking about your sibling.) You don’t want your kids eating evil candy, now, do you? Of course you don’t—if you did, you’d let them buy those Mr. Beast-branded candy bars they’ve been asking for.
Evil can be hard to spot on its own, and you should proceed cautiously here—eat one of the Twix bars. Does it taste evil? No?
That was probably the good one.
You’ll have to eat the other one to be sure.
Almond Joy
Almond production uses a ton of California’s already-scarce water supply. This candy’s already been made, but you can’t let your kids develop a taste for them. That’s just encouraging ecological disaster.
Break the cycle. Eat the candy, and let that knowledge die with you.
Mounds
They can have these.
Kit Kat
These chocolate-covered wafers have been popular for decades, and with good cause—they’re scrumptious, and super fun to snap apart.
Of course, if you let your kids have these, there’s a chance that they’ll find out about how Japan has hundreds of different flavors of Kit Kats—a variety that puts our domestic Kit Kat availability to shame—and they’ll want to go to Japan themselves.
Those tickets are expensive, and I was planning to go without them.
Gonna have to eat these quick, before they get any ideas.
M&Ms
The classic to end all classic candies. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand, thin candy shell, all that. They’re iconic. Heck, the first election I ever voted in was the epic 1995 race between pink, purple and blue to become the newest addition to their bright color palette, and blue’s the only winning candidate who’s never disappointed me.
Those bright colors have presented problems over the years, though. Red M&Ms were eliminated from the mix in 1976 over concerns about the carcinogenic effects of red food dye. The concerns turned out to be unfounded, and red M&Ms returned a decade later—but some people still aren’t convinced.
I mean, do you want this guy showing up on your porch railing to your kids about food dyes?
That would be pretty spooky, I guess, but not the kind of whimsical spooky we’re looking for on Halloween. Plastic skeletons, not dead bears and whale heads, y’know?
Eat the M&Ms, and do it before you even get home.
Maybe scatter some in neighbors’ yards to throw him off the trail.
—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)
In previous ACBN Halloween news…
A review of things you can give out aside from candy:
Halloween costume ideas inspired by the horrors of everyday life:
A vintage ACBN ghost story:
And, a reflection on childhood’s quick journey through a series of costumes:
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If you’re subscribed, that is…
That jump scare at the end was absolutely unnecessary this early in the morning.
"Having two would just cause arguments, and even though those arguments would be very funny, it’s just not worth the trouble."
Funny how?