There's more to Trick-or-Treat than just candy
Don't know what to give out on Halloween? There's more options than you might think!
Halloween is fast approaching, and if you live in a suburban neighborhood like me, that means that you’re about to be overrun by waves of disguised children running a whimsical version of a Mafia protection scheme.
You know… Trick-or-Treat!
It’s big times if you’re a kid!
Several years ago, my son came home after a two-hour jaunt around the neighborhood with seven and a half pounds of candy. Do you know how much candy seven and a half pounds of candy is? It’s a small cat worth of candy. Spread out on the kitchen table, it looked like Tony Montana’s cocaine mountain in Scarface, but like, edited for basic cable to be fun-sized Snickers and Twix bars. It’s an amount of candy that no minimally-supervised child can be reasonably expected to eat, even with covert after-hours assistance from his parents.1
Now, you might find yourself saying, “gosh, I don’t want to add to the already-overwhelming pile of sugar these kids are going to be receiving. If only there were something else I could give out to Trick-or-Treaters! I wish there were a beloved-if-unfocused email newsletter that could give me advice on this and other topics!”
Well, friend. You’re in luck.
This particular conundrum is right up The Action Cookbook Newsletter’s alley. I’ve done extensive research2 on this subject, studied a number of the candy-alternative options, and I’ve compiled them here into one handy guide.
Let’s review.
1) Chips
I know what you’re thinking: this is still junk food.
You’re right, of course, but it’s at least a change of pace, and (speaking for mine, at least) kids seem to genuinely enjoy getting it in their bucket or bag. Speaking as a parent, it’s a good way to wrap things up when they’re candy-drunk and arguing for one more thing at 9:30pm on Halloween night.
“Why don’t you just have one of those bags of ghost chips?”, you can say defeatedly, recognizing that all that noise you made before having kids about not feeding them junk food was bluster that you’re not prepared to back up now that you’re knee-deep in it, and that parenting is often just about steering them to a slightly-less-bad option.
2) Stickers
I hate stickers.
Okay, well… hate is a strong word, but let’s just say that I’m not thrilled about the Trader Joe’s check-out line stickers that are permanently adhered to the floor and support columns of my garage.
Giving kids stickers is only encouraging low-grade vandalism.
That said, I frequently spend money to buy stickers for myself, so that I can put them on my bougie beer cooler.
Parenting is also often about being a hypocrite and hoping they don’t notice.
3) Glow Sticks
Eating six fun-size Snickers is the grade-schooler’s equivalent to taking a bunch of club drugs, so why not steer into it and have a child rave?
I actually really like glow sticks on Halloween, because it makes the kids more visible for safety purposes and easier to track while I lag two houses behind drinking wine out of an insulated coffee mug.
4) Small toys
These seem like good ideas. They really do. I googled for actual serious “things to give out on Halloween” articles and there were ones full of mini squish toys, fidget poppers, rings, fake spiders, etc. The kids will be very excited to receive these things, and they will never play with them once after Halloween. I will quietly throw them in the trash several months later, and the kids will never notice.
Fun fact: the Great Pacific Trash Island is 90% plastic spiders and fidget poppers.
5) Coins
I feel like when I would go Trick-or-Treating as a kid, I’d always come home with a handful of pennies in the bottom of my pillowcase. I always appreciated the thought, but the problem with this on the giver’s end is that there’s no real right amount—either you’re giving an amount so small that the kids won’t appreciate it, or your spending too much on the effort. I mean, what do you give? A quarter? Eight pennies? Sacagawea dollars are still cool, but if you’re spending a dollar per kid you need to just steer into being The Full Size Candy Bar House and become a hero to your neighborhood’s youth.
Anyways, if you really want to give out money that’ll impress the kids without breaking the bank, see if you can get your hands on some early-21st-century Zimbabwean Dollars.
Ten billion dollars for you, ten billion dollars for you, ten billion dollars for you…
6) A toothbrush
You can only get away with this nonsense if you’re the town’s beloved local dentist.
Even then, though, why? Give out the chewiest caramels you can. That’ll drum up new business later and reduce the chance that your house will get TP’d later.
7) Potatoes
Apparently this is a thing now, and kids seem to universally think that it is hilarious.
As someone who spends a lot of time and effort trying to write comedy, this is an important lesson in not overthinking things.
Potatoes are funny, full stop.
8) Collectible Cards
Sure, you could buy those Trick-or-Treat-ready packs of Pokemon cards, but that adds up quick. Besides, these kids already have Pokemon cards. Unless you’re giving out Arceus VStar3 cards, they’re not going to be impressed anyway.
Caterpies? Zubats?4 Get out of here.
You want to give them something you’ve probably got a surplus of somewhere, but they don’t yet have: 1989 Steve Jeltz Topps cards!
I have enough of these in the basement to get through at least an hour of Trick-or-Treaters.
9) A rock
Not for everyone, of course. But that one weird sad bald kid who wears the same shirt every day? He’s definitely getting one. Kid’s got a lot of nerve coming and asking me for candy after his damn beagle shot up my shed last year.
10) Noisemakers
Is it a nice thing to do to give noisemakers to kids on their most sugar-addled night of the year? That’s not for me to judge.
The real point is: no one can get mad at you for it. You’re participating in a cherished multigenerational tradition, one of the rare remaining elements of true community in American life. It doesn’t matter what you give out, it matters that you’re doing it!
(They’ll still be mad at you.)
11) Subscriptions to a niche but beloved email newsletter
This one’s really more for the parents. My highest-batting-average neighbor is the guy down the street who passes out plastic cups of wine to the grown-ups on Halloween each year. I see him exactly once a year and he hands me a drink; our relationship is flawless.
Anyways, give a man a fish, teach a man to fish, yadda yadda yadda—instead of passing out drinks, why not give them access to high-quality lifestyle and humor content multiple times a week?
Heck, just give it to one. I won’t mind.
12) Advice
“Trick or Treat!”
“Start a skincare routine before you think you need one. Next!”
“Trick or Treat!”
“A free t-shirt is not a reason to sign up for a credit card. Next!”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Human resources works to protect the company’s interests, not the employees’. Next!”
“Trick or Treat!”
“You actually *can’t* fix them. Next—”
13) Treasure maps
Kids don’t want to be fed candy, they want to hunt candy!
Instead of giving them one piece of candy, give them a treasure map full of cryptic clues that purportedly lead to a massive cache of candy!
And, hey, if they interpret those clues as telling them to dig up your grumpiest neighbor’s carefully-manicured flowerbeds? That’s not your fault.
[shrugging] Kids! What can you do?
14) Glitter
[Michael Caine as Alfred Pennyworth in The Dark Knight voice]
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)
What would you give you out on Halloween other than candy?
Here’s some other seasonal content I’ve offered recently!
Some Halloween costume ideas inspired by the horrors of everyday life:
A look at the many fates that can befall a pumpkin this time of year:
Plus, some slightly-more-vintage seasonal content!
Tracking my son’s childhood through his evolving Halloween costume choices:
In which I explore a series of increasingly-bad ideas in mixology:
And finally, my favorite ghost story I’ve ever written:
There’s a whole strategy to stealing your kids’ candy. You can’t take the best stuff—they’ll know. You’ve got to go for the middle-ground candies, the Babies Ruth or the 100s Grand. They won’t miss those. You take the Reese’s Pumpkins, though? They’re going to know. It’s like any good grift—when you get greedy is when you get caught.
That is, I have successfully gone Trick-or-Treating several times.
In the middle of writing this, I called out to my eight-year-old son to ask what a really good Pokémon card is, and this is what he told me. Writing is a collaborative process.
I have no idea if these are good or not. Again, I asked the eight-year-old.
I give out espressos and Red Bulls. "Ride the lightning, little dude."
Brilliant! Expanding on your collectible cards: We have baskets and bins and junk drawers full of stuff. Perfect handouts! A teaspoon for you. Some keys for you. Yarn for your pal. Here are three felt pens that may work. Paper clips. A glove. Shoelaces that don't match. A padlock (no key). Four screws in a plastic bag. Bonanza! The kids will be thrilled.